Oh how I hate flurries!

Doesn't it always seem that bad news travels in a pack? I've certainly seem my share of personal (i.e. family) bad news, but when I broaden the scope, here's what I see scattered around:

• A dear friend whose doctor needs to have evil things done to him for ignoring her phone calls for weeks until she showed up in his exam room in early-stage organ failure because of medication he prescribed! [this brings up ghosts from my childhood and freaks me way the fuck out in very abnormal ways]
• Someone who is hospitalized tonight because of a fall a couple of days ago.
• A coworker who's father died just under a month ago.
• My sister needs a tuneup in her brain electrodes, but there are some issues there. Long story. Of course.
• Another friend who's mother died about 10 days before mine.
• And a couple of others' whose parents are at the stage my mom was at about 5 months ago.
• People forgetting the whole "innocent till proven guilty in a court of law" thing. Accusation doesn't equal fact.
• Ongoing medical issues with another friend who has, essentially, had a headache since November. Every day. Can you imagine dealing with a three-year-old 24/7 with a headache? Yeah. Doctors have no idea. Doctors suck.
• Gout in another family member. Though that's easing due to--of all things!--cherries.
• Stupid men involving themselves in extramarital situations and having their lives destroyed over it (not to mention the lives of their wives and families). Guys: KEEP YOUR DICK IN YOUR PANTS, and your pants zipped/glued shut!
• The legal maneuvering over my mom's broken leg is still hanging fire in our family. See footnote here.
• The economy is hitting home in libraries across the country. Ohio is slashing and burning its way through their astoundingly fabulous libraries. Our city is sending ominous links via email to articles about other communities' belt-tightening as we approach the budget planning sessions for 2010-11.
• Schedule Nazi just doesn't seem to understand that some of us never want to see her again.
• PTF pissed me off this week in a way that he hasn't achieved for months. Possibly over a year, in fact. Over something insanely stupid. Of course. What else is new?
• [whinge] I work Tuesday-Friday this week. I'm going to ALA on Saturday--just for the exhibits--all day. I work Sunday; Sundays S U C K! And then I work Monday-Thursday next week. So basically I'm working 7/7-16 every day.[/whinge] The problem is exacerbated by the feeling like I'm at work for 7 or so hours daily and get virtually no cataloging done. Since that's the part of my job I love the most, I'm getting whinier and whinier about it, not to mention behind-er.
• Our super-wonderful senior shelvers will be leaving for college in 5 weeks or so. WAAAAAHHHH!!! Am so sad about this. For me; not for them, of course.

There's also the fact that the new director, while starting to get her legs under her as far as the job goes, is still needing a LOT of information regularly. And we've undertaken to make some rather ginormous changes in some of of our major work procedures...there's a lot of stress. I like change. These will be good changes when they are all in place and understood...but it's hard.

This is the sort of mood where I probably could use a large glass of wine (or two), but I'm too afraid of using alcohol as a crutch (family history + ) so I probably won't. But the inside of my skin itches from all this drama and angst and things to think about that I don't even know where to start. Gah.

Too many times

I've heard this song dozens of times without particularly listening, even though I know what she's said about the background of the song. Today, naturally, the chorus hits home particularly hard:

You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

Sarah, you have a lovely voice.

Quick turnaround

I'm flying to Colorado tomorrow. I feel that I have to, not only for my future peace of mind, but for Mom's current peace of mind. I also feel like I need to give my sister a break on carrying the load. She's tough but this stage of things is particularly hard to deal with alone. My other sister simply can't physically be here, and my brother has (apparently) checked out of things. Neither of Marie's daughters (nor any other grandchildren) are picking up the slack either. That leaves me.

A word to the wise: chickens really do come home to roost. And you reap what you sow. I'm not going to explain that except to say that when you treat people with love and respect and understanding, usually they'll return the favor.

I bought a return ticket that is non-refundable, so clearly I expect to return on Wednesday regardless of where things stand with Mom. I'm not sure if that makes me an optimist or not.

In the meantime, Beast has a business trip around a fairly close-by portion of his sales territory, so Sparky is going to travel with him, spend lots of time in hotel rooms (and the car), and bond with Dad. They'll actually leave tomorrow too and return home sometime Thursday.

My short-term goal tomorrow: don't cry in public. This means, in effect, "Don't think. Distractions are good!"

My long-term goal for the week: ....

As usual, I have none beyond getting through it alive and with some shreds of my pride and mental health intact. I have pretty low standards.

Marie and Jan do have a computer, so I'll be able to check in, but not to the level that is "normal" for me. So, I'll see you all Wednesday or Thursday.

Meander

I wonder why I've never really aspired to happiness...or, frankly, much of anything else. Is that why I'm (usually) not unhappy? My goals are small: get through today without making tomorrow any worse than it has to be without my assistance. I don't have--never have had--serious long-term goals. I sense that this is why I have what are essentially panic attacks every time I have major projects to manage: moving, major trips, work processes, etc.

Then again, I'm feeling extra-morose tonight, and cranky. Sucking it up, being the grown-up, doing my duty: it's not fun. It's incredibly important to do that, however, because I know that where I'd end up if I didn't "do the right thing" is an ugly place that I don't want to visit. Or live, God forbid.

Whatever. I don't have the energy or the interest in really delving into my psyche tonight. I have some tough days ahead this week. There is no way around them, so I might as well face them whatever courage I can muster up. Because that's what we Scots do.

If only my fucking eyes weren't all screwed up AGAIN now.

Short and not-so-sweet

Mom's in a coma. At this point, I can't make decisions about anything because she could be fine tomorrow, or not.

This
sux.

As Beast pointed out, at least we're here, not in the middle of last week (i.e., nowhere) with no phone service.

[edited 6:30 a.m. 6/24: And, as usual, it was a false alarm. She woke up and ate something yesterday after all.]

Upsetting

I grew up in Colorado, in a suburb of Denver. My parents and I went to church about 3 miles from my house, in yet another suburb. That church was and is 2.5 miles as the crow flies from Columbine High School. When I was in high school in the late 70s and early 80s, many of the other teens at my church went to school at Columbine.

So, on April 19 20, 1999, I watched with the same profound shock and horror as the rest of the country as two boys destroyed any shards of any feeling of safety we had left about our country's schools. The acrid icing on that poisonous cake was that I knew alumni, I knew the community, I knew the places the national media was talking about: Swedish Medical Center (I was a candystriper there), Clement Park (teen hangout), Ken Caryl Ranch (lots of our church members lived there), and so on.

Knowing the area, of course, didn't make the event any more comprehensible. The explanations that the media quickly began to promote didn't make a lot of sense either. And that school's architecture is forever etched in my brain as a building I don't want to be near. Ever.

In 2001, we went to visit my family (who now live elsewhere in Colorado) and stopped in Denver for a couple of days. One of those days was a Sunday, so we went back to "my" church. There were a few discrete items in the building and moments during the service where the presence of the killings loomed large, even two years later.

The next day, we went to visit all the family graves (most of my family is in two large cemeteries on different sides of the city). As we drove through the cemetery looking for my father's burial site, we slowly approached 13 crosses standing in an "island" in the roadway. My father's resting place is about 25 feet from the official memorial for the Columbine victims. I believe those crosses were wooden at that time. They have since been replaced by 8'-tall black granite crosses. (If you watch the virtual tour here, you'll see the crosses at the end, briefly.)

Aside: my father built the original mortuary at this cemetery in the mid-1960s. He was paid, at least in part, in kind: four burial plots.

ANYWAY. I'm reading the book pictured here--Dave Cullen's "Columbine." It is very detailed, easy to read...and I've been trying hard not to read it at bedtime so that it doesn't affect my dreams too much.

I am about 2/3 through the book. I may have to stop reading it. I spent part of today compulsively Googling factoids, drawings, schematics, and photos since the book itself is all text. And I came across a photo today that I never should have embiggened. I knew when I saw it small that clicking on it would be a bad idea. And I watched my hand as the index finger banged down on the left mouse button anyway. Now I can't get the image out of my head, and it only fueled my compulsion to do more research.

I know that what I'm looking for is twofold: 1) Why did Harris and Klebold do what they did? and 2) How can I be sure that my son will never, ever, be involved in something like this? I know that reading this book is not going to answer either of those questions. It's the same quandary I had in 1999 immediately after the shootings happened, and after 9/11, and all the other times when I've wanted nothing more than to go far away from the world and protect my son from Everything Bad. The panic will pass. In the meantime, I can't help but look at every passing teenager with the thought "This could be the one. Or that one could be...."

The mission trip in a week--where I'm surrounded by 60 high school kids 24/7--could be fun if I don't get over this tout de suite. Anxiety + paranoia is not a great frame of mind to be in anyway. It makes for difficulty in concentration among other things. There are no answers, and eventually I'll get back to accepting that fact.

More screaming at God

That would be me. Screaming W.T.F.??. Because really, if being a Christian means that I have to condone this in any way whatsoever, God, I'm out. Just out, done, finished. Done. Over.

But I don't think it does. But people who twist around the "good news" this way make me so very angry. Good thing He can take it, from me and from others who are just as angry.

Elijah (Rich Mullins)

[this comes from my favorite Rich Mullin's CD] The Jordan is waiting for me to cross through
My heart is aging I can tell
So Lord, I'm begging for one last favor from You
Here's my heart take it where You will

This life has shown me how we're mended and how we're torn
How it's okay to be lonely as long as you're free
Sometimes my ground was stoney
And sometimes covered up with thorns
And only You could make it what it had to be
And now that it's done
Well if they dressed me like a pauper
Or if they dined me like a prince
If they lay me with my fathers
Or if my ashes scatter on the wind
I don't care

But when I leave I want to go out like Elijah
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire
And when I look back on the stars
It'll be like a candlelight in Central Park
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye

There's people been friendly, but they'd never be your friends
Sometimes this has bent me to the ground *
Now that this is all ending
I want to hear some music once again
'Cause it's the finest thing that I have ever found

But the Jordan is waiting
Though I ain't never seen the other side
Still they say you can't take in the things you have here
So on the road to salvation
I stick out my thumb and He gives me a ride
And His music is already falling on my ears

There's people been talking
They say they're worried about my soul
Well, I'm here to tell you I'll keep rocking
'Til I'm sure it's my time to roll
. . . ________
*very disappointing when these are Church People

Our Buddy

...curled up and went to sleep in the corner of the cage for the last time last night.

Sparky found him this morning.

RIP, dude, RIP.

Buddy with Ruka behind him, Fall 2008

[edited to add photo]

Technology issues

Mood: not pleased
Hair: combed
Eyes: the less discussed, the better
Listening to: the air vent blowing warmth at me

My laptop monitor went kerflooey yesterday.

I am sad.

The silver lining that Beast keeps pointing out is that I can use the TV as a monitor. Of course, that means we can't watch TV--and Beast and Sparky can watch me blogging and emailing and whatever.

Technology sux.

---

Urban Word:

OPM: other people's money

I need to find some OPM to buy a New and Improved laptop.

Bulleted

Mood: sleepy
Hair: probably a mess due to the two-hour nap in the recliner
Eyes: tried, dry and not fun
Listening to: Football (Eagles @ Vikings)

Since I have few coherent, lengthy thoughts, I'm throwing what I do have at the blog. Cuz I can. Y'know?

• Beast ran the sound and light at church today, so he had to be present at both services. He called after he arrived for first service to warn us (me) that the roads were dangerously icy, especially in our subdivision. They were insanely bad, but we all made it there and back safe and sound. About half an hour ago--5 p.m. or thereabouts--the road crew came around and salted our streets for the first time today. Nice. Thanks, guys, for being right on top of that.



• Worship this morning was the first time I've been 'at church' on Sunday since...uh...Thanksgiving? And I would manage to pick today: the first week of every month is Communion Sunday, so that lengthens the service, plus today was a baptism, which means more time. I don't begrudge the time usually, but I was awfully antsy today. And then, suddenly, as the pastor held the baby and swept water onto her head, I couldn't stop crying. I didn't leave, but I really wanted to for a minute or two. Nathanael would be two now. (And no, the mom did not breastfeed in public this morning: the baby slept through the entire service.)



• None of the teams I want to see in the Super Bowl are winning this year. Our big three main teams--Packers, Browns, Broncos--are out of the running already because they didn't make the playoffs. (Denver fired Mike Shanahan--WTF?) This weekend's games were either two teams we cared nothing about or the 'wrong' team won, not that we care that much. The one that is going on now isn't boding well for the team we sort of want to win. Next week doesn't look a lot better. The Super Bowl could be a giant Who Cares? on February 1. I may end up cheering like a girl: for the best-looking team/quarterback/coach. Oh, well, thank God for the ads!!



• I haven't decided what my 2009 Word of the Year should be. That's why it hasn't been changed in the sidebar. Maybe I'll pick one tomorrow, once the holidays are really over and school has restarted. Stay tuned.



• BIG HUGE THANKS to Betsy for passing the word on Jango!!!! I frickin' LOVE it!! And it's free. Why was I spending money on Launchcast?? 'Course, now that LC is going, Jango will probably start charging too.



• Speaking of technology, Meebo--the IM consolidator I use--recently added Facebook to the IM sites it supports. MySpace, too, if anyone cares. I can now log in to Meebo and chat with anyone who is logged into Yahoo!, Gmail, or Facebook, or looking at any of my blogs. It's not perfect, but when it works, Meebo is one of my favorite things evah.



• We had Greek burgers last night, courtesy of DinnerByDesign. They were excellent. I need to start eating better, and less, and get back on a regular scheduled meal schedule instead of snacking on junk all day every day. Then there is the whole exercise thing. Ugh. I can't tell you how much I hate pointless tasks with no immediate payoff.... Apparently, there are no WiiFit games to be had, so I'm stuck with Sports for now.



• Anybody got a good lead on a job for Sparky? Yeah, this is the perfect time of year to be looking, right? And the perfect time in the economic cycle, too.



• Speaking of which, I'm already 100% ready to eliminate the word "economy" from the language. I'm tired of hearing it, saying it, discussing it, blaming it, worrying about it, prognosticating about it. It's only going to become more omnipresent, I know, so it's not a good sign that I'm so fed up with the subject.



• We were going to take the tree down today and put away all of our Christmas stuff...but changed our (my) mind when we remembered that it's still 'officially' Christmas until January 6, Warren's birthday. So I'm not sure when we'll pack it up. Sometime this week, I guess, maybe in pieces.



• Everyone gets back to our regular schedules tomorrow: it's a full work and school week for all of us. Yuck.

I think that's enough. I should probably get myself sorted out for dinner and maybe work on the Christmas card filing.

---

Urban Word:

Presponse: To respond to a question before it is finished, often confusing the asker.

The whole concept of presponses confuses Beast. He'd rather finish one thought and spoken sentence before moving on to the next thought and speaker.

That's all

Mood: good
Hair: looking really good
Eyes: very good
Listening to: Dr. G explaining about why [mostly young] men die from accidents more often than women

One has to wonder...at what point does one just throw up one's arms and say, ok--I'm done. I have been struggling with a friendship that has been dying in slow stages all year. At least from my perspective, it's dying. At least, from my perspective, it is/was a friendship. The problems I have been struggling with the most are whether she a) thinks/thought it was a friendship, and b) whether she knows it's dying. Or cares.

No, I know she doesn't give a shit. She seems incapable of stepping outside her own very large ego long enough to respond to favors, answer questions, or think about how her words can be hurtful, even if wasn't intentional. I've obliquely called her on it, and I think she got that, to a degree but she didn't apologize. Oh, no, far from it: she used my time and space to further her own agenda.

So I've mostly cut off contact with her and don't check in on her life for the most part anymore. However, she still pops up periodically in one place, and tonight yet another comment from her set me off. I mean, really, do ANY of my friends not know where Beast's family is from, where his parents lived? And then to egregiously, with no explanation, insult that place...I dunno.

I rilly do understand that it's not all about me, and that sometimes things just piss you off and you need to vent. I also understand that I'm completely thin-skinned about anything she says at this point, and I've been trying to just allow time and space to do their (usually healing) work. Indeed, I think the healing is happening, but rather that scarring over a cut it's actually rejecting a splinter. So. That sucks.

I guess it's right back to the saying about friends coming into your life for a reason or a season. The reason has been over for a long time, and now the season is changing too. Kinda sad. Lots of good has come out of it, and that will go on and I'll treasure it. But I'm calling this one. Time of death: now.

May Wisdom and Happiness compete to see which can do you the greatest favor,
and all of your relationships be blessed with balance and harmony.
Speak only what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation. Silence engenders contemplation.
Love and evolve.

Blessing Generator

---

Urban Word:

deja moo: The feeling that you have heard this bull before.

Sometimes, life just seems like a whole lotta deja moo all at once..

I never, ever, thought I'd say this

I'm quite pleased to say that I am currently wearing one of my mother's necklaces-- rescued from the Salvation Army collection at my sister's house over the weekend-- and I don't hate it.

Yes, it's costume jewelry. No, I have no earrings to match, because my mom didn't ever get her ears pierced and I'm not wearing those hideous pinch-back things. Yes, I know I never (ok, rarely) wear necklaces. Yes, I know I got a new, made-for-me necklace for my birthday.

We are in that somewhat ghoulish phase of things with Mom where we are waiting to see which organ or system implodes first, and kind of praying for anything as long as it's soon. It's hard walking this line of being sad about both my mom and Beast's mom while trying to live my regular life at the same time: exuberant teens, floods of sugary treats, well-wishes and flowers from friends, the accomplishment of work well-done, the injuries and illnesses of friends and other family members, and all the rest of the daily things.

Life goes on. I guess. Things just change. Yeah, that's news.

I'm home

Mood: meh
Hair: braid
Eyes: fine
Listening to: "Egypt Uncovered" on ID (Sparky's choice)

Good things about the trip:

• Quality time with Sparky.
• I never reached the point of wanting to murder Jan. This is a major improvement over any other trip.
• I only felt lousy one day due to the cold. Not so bad.
• Got to see Mom, made her smile, helped her out with mealtimes, etc.
• I once again managed to drive through snow in the mountains. I loathe Vail Pass! Also large trucks.
• Got birthday schwag!
• Not having cruise control on my rental car was surprisingly difficult.
• Found Pea Green Corner. Took pictures.
• Discovered that the people who are a living in the house in which I grew up are Obama supporters. Got a good chuckle over Dad haunting them for that. hee

It was awfully hard leaving the nursing home yesterday after saying goodbye to Mom. Thank goodness Sparky was there for moral support.

I missed someone

When I did my list of medical issues yesterday, I left off my brother-in-law Dean. We got a (surprisingly legible) letter from him...uh...Thursday, I think. Remember, last winter (Jan-Mar), he was having all kinds of problems? (if not, and if you care, you can enter his name in the search box in the upper left of this page)

Turns out he's got an official diagnosis of polycythemia vera. There is a great deal of weirdness in that diagnosis, since my sister--his wife--nearly died of aplastic anemia.

In any case, it's not curable. As he says, "Oh well; such is life." He'll probably lose more of his extremities.

Seriously? I think this is why I'm not a doctor. There are just too many things that can go wrong in our bodies. I'm beginning to be quite amazed when things are actually functional; for instance, my tear ducts are working really well.

[My mom...who knows. We are in limbo, or more technically, purgatory. Waiting. And this is part of why I don't believe in (traditional) Hell.]

Visitation and Funeral and stuff

Tomorrow afternoon is the visitation at the funeral home for MIL. Monday late morning is the funeral.

FIL has spent so much time keeping so much bottled up for the past few months (years?) that he is currently talking non-stop. Most of the stories are fun. Some are deadly dull. He hasn't done too much repeating, but that's coming.

It's ok. I still love him. He loves everyone. It sorta cracks me up, and sorta makes me cringe.

The whole situation is random and surreal.

Regards

On her way at
3:00 this morning.

Thank God for the Psalms

Especially 121 and 13 and 16 and 22 and 23. Of course, 23.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Not Good. Not Fun

May others give you the trust that will allow you to help them,
and gratitude guide your service to the weak, the helpless, the indigent.
Peace demands greater heroism than war.
Give and create.

from the World Blessing Generator

Also:

God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.

Reinhold Niebuhr

That is all.

Lyrics

I've always loved these lyrics. In light of the phone calls I've gotten this morning and yesterday, they seem especially poignant.

If you search for tenderness
it isn't hard to find.
You can have the love you need to live.
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind.
It always seems to be so hard to give.

Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need from you.

I can always find someone
to say they sympathize.
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve.
But I don't want some pretty face
to tell me pretty lies.
All I want is someone to believe.

Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need from you.

I can find a lover. I can find a friend.
I can have security until the bitter end.
Anyone can comfort me with promises again.
I know, I know.

When I'm deep inside of me
don't be too concerned.
I won't ask for nothin' while I'm gone.
But when I want sincerity
tell me where else can I turn.
Because you're the one[s] I depend upon.

Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need from you.

Billy Joel "Honesty"

This is, indeed, what friends are for.