More weird dreams

So I woke up at 3 this morning with a terrible stomach ache. No more day-old deli sandwiches from Meijer, I think. In the process of trying to go back to sleep, I got to thinking about my mom...and then started dreaming about her. And then I was confused because I was dreaming that I was visiting her last month, but she was fine when I left (as she always had been in the past). I was so lightly asleep that I actually woke up at this point confused about whether or not she was dead, thinking about all the people I had to tell about the 'error' and worrying about that.

And then I went back to sleep and commenced worrying about our (non-existent) rental house which was actually a house we supposely used to live in (I'd never been in this house in real life).

I'm thinking this is looking like a really L O N G day at work.

Doctors who need to be shot

So, a good friend posted this last week. I had known she wasn't handling the meds well, but didn't realize the full extent of her problems.

Then I saw her Saturday and found her to be quite ill. Not sick. Sick is different from ill. Sick is the flu. Ill is...this sort of thing.

I offered to kneecap the doctor several times. She demurred, for now, because her focus is on getting healthy again. And she's not into the whole physical violence thing. She's also stubborn as hell and not real excited about medical "science" right now, so seeing another doctor was far down her list of Things To Do soon.

Fortunately, sometime ago I 'friended' her husband on Facebook. Yesterday morning I saw this update:

Today I took [artcat] to the hospital for some test[ing]. She will be there for two or three days. Please keep her in your prayers. Tue at 9:50pm

Artcat is not a hospital kind of person. I was VERY concerned. This update came through just as I went to bed last night:

[T]est and more test.....things are improving. [artcat] is in room [#]B at [hospital]. In May she had a blood test that registered her hemoglobin at 13.4. Normal is between 12.5 and 18. When the blood count gets as low as 8.0 it is transfusion time. Tuesday's test registered 4.3. Things look like they are improving with the first transfusion and they are still trying to find the reason for the blood loss. They have one more test in the morning to rule out internal bleed. Wed [at ~10:00pm]

From another source, I found out that one of the things they are checking is how well her bone marrow is doing.

And I've just realized that I've never gone over my sister Ellen's illness when I was a toddler.... Suffice to say that whenever I hear the words "bone marrow" I freak the fuck out.

I really really want to kill this doctor of artcat's. All I can hope for is that those in the hospital are REAL doctors who are able to put her back together again.

Oh how I hate flurries!

Doesn't it always seem that bad news travels in a pack? I've certainly seem my share of personal (i.e. family) bad news, but when I broaden the scope, here's what I see scattered around:

• A dear friend whose doctor needs to have evil things done to him for ignoring her phone calls for weeks until she showed up in his exam room in early-stage organ failure because of medication he prescribed! [this brings up ghosts from my childhood and freaks me way the fuck out in very abnormal ways]
• Someone who is hospitalized tonight because of a fall a couple of days ago.
• A coworker who's father died just under a month ago.
• My sister needs a tuneup in her brain electrodes, but there are some issues there. Long story. Of course.
• Another friend who's mother died about 10 days before mine.
• And a couple of others' whose parents are at the stage my mom was at about 5 months ago.
• People forgetting the whole "innocent till proven guilty in a court of law" thing. Accusation doesn't equal fact.
• Ongoing medical issues with another friend who has, essentially, had a headache since November. Every day. Can you imagine dealing with a three-year-old 24/7 with a headache? Yeah. Doctors have no idea. Doctors suck.
• Gout in another family member. Though that's easing due to--of all things!--cherries.
• Stupid men involving themselves in extramarital situations and having their lives destroyed over it (not to mention the lives of their wives and families). Guys: KEEP YOUR DICK IN YOUR PANTS, and your pants zipped/glued shut!
• The legal maneuvering over my mom's broken leg is still hanging fire in our family. See footnote here.
• The economy is hitting home in libraries across the country. Ohio is slashing and burning its way through their astoundingly fabulous libraries. Our city is sending ominous links via email to articles about other communities' belt-tightening as we approach the budget planning sessions for 2010-11.
• Schedule Nazi just doesn't seem to understand that some of us never want to see her again.
• PTF pissed me off this week in a way that he hasn't achieved for months. Possibly over a year, in fact. Over something insanely stupid. Of course. What else is new?
• [whinge] I work Tuesday-Friday this week. I'm going to ALA on Saturday--just for the exhibits--all day. I work Sunday; Sundays S U C K! And then I work Monday-Thursday next week. So basically I'm working 7/7-16 every day.[/whinge] The problem is exacerbated by the feeling like I'm at work for 7 or so hours daily and get virtually no cataloging done. Since that's the part of my job I love the most, I'm getting whinier and whinier about it, not to mention behind-er.
• Our super-wonderful senior shelvers will be leaving for college in 5 weeks or so. WAAAAAHHHH!!! Am so sad about this. For me; not for them, of course.

There's also the fact that the new director, while starting to get her legs under her as far as the job goes, is still needing a LOT of information regularly. And we've undertaken to make some rather ginormous changes in some of of our major work procedures...there's a lot of stress. I like change. These will be good changes when they are all in place and understood...but it's hard.

This is the sort of mood where I probably could use a large glass of wine (or two), but I'm too afraid of using alcohol as a crutch (family history + ) so I probably won't. But the inside of my skin itches from all this drama and angst and things to think about that I don't even know where to start. Gah.

Short and not-so-sweet

Mom's in a coma. At this point, I can't make decisions about anything because she could be fine tomorrow, or not.

This
sux.

As Beast pointed out, at least we're here, not in the middle of last week (i.e., nowhere) with no phone service.

[edited 6:30 a.m. 6/24: And, as usual, it was a false alarm. She woke up and ate something yesterday after all.]

Medical checkin

We took FIL out to dinner last night in honor of MIL's 72nd birthday. We had a good time, he got a little snockered on JB-BL, but a good time was had by all (except Sparky who was so bored his head hit the table for a nap at one point). Upon departure, FIL bumped up against a fixture and that was enough to open up the skin on his arm and he started to bleed like crazy. His skin on his arms is the thickness of a Kleenex. Sigh. Fortunately, this isn't painful--it's just like if anyone else bumped into something lightly--but it's embarrassing and messy. We had to go back inside and ask for multiple napkins and paper towels for him.

Meanwhile, Mom is in the hospital. She has had a bedsore for several months and it needs to be surgically debrided (?) or something. Anyway, it's very painful and her leg is still mending* so she's getting morphine constantly, and she isn't eating very well (and yesterday, due to crap hospital care, her blood sugar hit 39--they had forgotten she's diabetic and hadn't IV'd her or fed her all day)...and my sister is having to leave town for a week, and my brother (normally the geographically closest) is in Denmark (or Sweden?) for a couple of weeks...so that leaves me as the backup in case something happens and one of us kids needs to be there. My sister's husband is there, of course, but he's a PiTA, and I don't trust him very far.

Gah.

Old
Age
SUX!

_________
*I never mentioned here, I guess, that she slid out of her wheelchair in the nursing home van last month when it stopped suddenly. When she landed, her knee-replacement torqued around funny and broke off the end of her femur. Yeah. Fun. We've contacted a lawyer, primarily because we're pretty sure they didn't attached the straps right. We don't want money, just a clear procedure on how to not injure other patients! And she's 87 and frail so healing takes bloody-forever.

All Things Come to Those Who Wait

Beast and Sparky have had colds for what seems like forever. It was inevitable, then, that I come down with one (or both) of their infections. And I have. Yuck. At least it held off till after Youth Sunday and mini-golf. I have the classic draining of the sinuses into my throat, sinus headache, and (as a twist) a very achy back. I'm not sure the latter is connected to the infection, but it's about as uncomfortable as you can get without actually seeing a doctor.

Meh.

Poor, pitiful me. <--not

Thought bubbles

Mood: meh
Hair: meh
Eyes: ok
Listening to: some show on car safety that Beast just started watching

Got up this morning with plugged-up sinuses. Spent 90 minutes updating my book blog for the entire month, and then transferring the list to the sidebar here.

Now I can play.

Except, my head hurts. And I have to pull myself together and go to Sparky's band concert today. I hope he's right that it's only four songs, though at least it won't be bleacher seats for us. High school bands play in auditoriums, not "all-purpose rooms."

Beast looked at 'my' laptop yesterday and he thinks he can fix it; it may 'only' be a Windows update that didn't quite take. He'll have to work on it further sometime this weekend, if there is time. Today he's taking his dad to the doctor and then we have this band concert. Tomorrow is church and the visitation for our neighbor, which is in a suburb about an hour from us. I didn't realize it was an hour away--hmmmm. Maybe we will send some flowers instead....

It was -5 out this morning when Beast got up, just 0 when I first looked after I got up an hour or so later, and 4 now. But the sun is shining and there doesn't appear to be a lot of wind. I am grateful for small favors. Just went out to wave goodbye to Beast and it's not bad in spite of bare feet. I'm stupid, yes. Sick + bare feet + outside in cold weather = not too smart.

I'm wondering when I'll be able to take down the "Cost of the War" widget on my sidebar. It's been there for almost as long as I've been blogging. Which, by the way, is about 5 years. And my template is boring the shit outta me today. sigh

I'm also boring myself with this post, so I'm gonna go see what's happening on Facebook, and then think about getting properly dressed in something besides sweats and fleecey hoodies.

---

Urban Word:

pedexterity: v. [sic-actually a noun] Describing someone with the ability to use their feet to pick things up. Also, pedextrous [adj.]

There is actually NOTHING weird about pedexterity, in spite of the ooky face I get from Beast when I pick things up with my toes.

Good news/bad news

Beast is home.

This is a good thing, to quote someone I don't like much, but whose quote I do use an awful lot.

However, now there are two sickies in the house.

Sigh. Good thing Sparky is not in need of hands-on care anymore.

I'm (sorta) back

Right, so this week was a totally weird week. Beast left Tuesday, having celebrated his early birthday Monday night. I worked Wednesday, but only about 6 hours because of the homework thing we're doing at church after school. Because it was also the evening of our church's Thanksgiving meal, the youth group and I were roped into helping with some basic setup (salt & pepper and water on each table, etc.). And, the person in charge of cleanup called me Tuesday to ask if we (the youth group) could possibly help out at the end as well since her kneecap is fubar.

Sparky and I got home at 7:45, over two hours after the meal started. That's pretty good actually, and we were not the last people to leave (shocking!). Most of the dishes were done, and the work that still needed doing was dealing with leftovers and putting away clean pots & pans.

Thursday I woke up with the alarm, knowing I had a staff meeting at work, Sparky to drop off for a pre-school meeting, and books to pick up at the book drop near my house. By the time we got in the car, I realized that the early morning "Ick" I had been feeling wasn't likely to be going anywhere. Upon arriving at work, I knew that the further I strayed from a bathroom, the worse my life would be. I came home after the meeting.

And slept. Solidly for 5 hours. Off and on while the TV was on the rest of the day, even after Sparky came home. I went to bed before he did. Beast texted me an hour later (fortunately, I brought my cell into the bedroom with me), and we talked for a few minutes. He's coming home today, though his flight doesn't land until midnight.

Went to the store this morning for FIL and dropped the stuff at his apartment after a lengthy and informative discussion with the pharmacist about something on FIL's list. Driving home, I realized that I need to sleep some more, for real. Not that I have, yet. But that's the plan for the next hour or two, until Sparky gets home from school.

I don't feel like I've accomplished anything at all this week. However, I did end up getting my siblings' and mom's Christmas presents ordered and sent, so that's something, right?

I get to work tomorrow. Yuck, mostly because I'm on desk duty for three hours, I think. I hope I feel better...or I'll be under the desk drooling on the floor for part of that time.

Gahhh

I don't feel good. I have something unpleasant that got a cheap FHA loan and moved into my GI tract. Just cuz it's condemned doesn't mean I want just anyone in there!

I slept 7 hours last night, and another 5 during the day today. [so far] Crashed and burned.

Also, my upper back, neck, and shoulders are killing me--like steel balls under the skin instead of bones and muscles.

Don't tell Crazy Cat Lady, but I don't think this is food poisoning. Sorry y'all at the meeting. :-(

That's all.

I missed someone

When I did my list of medical issues yesterday, I left off my brother-in-law Dean. We got a (surprisingly legible) letter from him...uh...Thursday, I think. Remember, last winter (Jan-Mar), he was having all kinds of problems? (if not, and if you care, you can enter his name in the search box in the upper left of this page)

Turns out he's got an official diagnosis of polycythemia vera. There is a great deal of weirdness in that diagnosis, since my sister--his wife--nearly died of aplastic anemia.

In any case, it's not curable. As he says, "Oh well; such is life." He'll probably lose more of his extremities.

Seriously? I think this is why I'm not a doctor. There are just too many things that can go wrong in our bodies. I'm beginning to be quite amazed when things are actually functional; for instance, my tear ducts are working really well.

[My mom...who knows. We are in limbo, or more technically, purgatory. Waiting. And this is part of why I don't believe in (traditional) Hell.]

Until we meet

About ten years ago, I met a man I'll call "Mark." He was the brother of a good friend and had just moved back to the area with his wife and 3-year-old son. Nice-looking guy, talkative, somewhat charming, rather opinionated, and an ordained minister who was currently not working in the field.

He was also one of the most challenging people I've ever known. He put PsychoBoss firmly in her place as a second-rate nightmare. There are names, pigeon-holes, to describe him which I won't use here. Even at the time I saw God throwing down the gauntlet with Mark: Here, deal with THIS!

The lesson was, I can't. I certainly couldn't have "Mark" in my life and keep my own emotional see-saw stable; the injection of him into any situation caused more difficulty and strife than anyone could reasonably handle without more skills than I had...or have now.

There was a series of other situations going on at the same time carefully set up by Someone to teach me this lesson over and over and over, but "Mark" was the Red Flag Waving at the top of the pile. I was in our pastor's office often in that period, in tears, broken, wondering why I couldn't fix stuff, make people understand, solve problems, etc. And the answer was, I can't. I can't without a great deal of external help. The further answer was that I don't have to; not everything is my problem to solve. Walk away.

Walk
Away

It's not easy to walk away when something breaks. I was raised to go find a broom and start cleaning up. "Don't just stand there, DO something!" My mantra with "Mark" eventually became, when I was not reacting emotionally to his games, "Don't just do something, STAND THERE!" And then walk away.

And so, I am. Again. For different reasons, and much sooner.

There is a relationship which was damaged several months ago by thoughtlessness. I've alluded to it online multiple times, obliquely. There was a further extraordinary appeal. It was further damaged by my chickenshittedness about dealing with the situation directly with the individual. But the damage caused me to open my eyes, and I looked around to find that I was only the latest collateral damage in the wake; there were other floaters. I started to dog paddle to the outer reaches of the wake where I have spent several months observing.

I don't like what I've seen. I don't like what seeing this is doing to me. I don't like that I've got a fish-eye lens on this person all the time, even when I claim irrelevance.

So I'm walking away. It takes epoxy to repair some things and I only have one side of the formula. Without the other agent, there's just no point.

I'm grateful for the good times, aware of my debts, but trying very hard not to be ashamed to admit that I just don't have the skills to deal with this situation. And so, I'll walk on without this person, at least for now.

Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o'clock in the morning.
Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow
                                        For Thine is the Kingdom
Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow
                                                    Life is very long
Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
                                        For Thine is the Kingdom
For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

                                                      -- from "The Hollow Men" by T.S. Eliot

---

What happened to "Mark"? Eventually--after several years of negative influence--he was formally requested by our church's leaders to leave our congregation. His wife and children left him and he degenerated both mentally and physically; he died about four years ago. I'm sure God has enfolded him into the Kingdom and "Mark" is whole and happy now in ways he could never achieve here. His sister and I remain friends.

Coming clean

When things start going badly--health-wise--for old or chronically unwell people, it does seem very common for those things to snowball.

My mother-in-law is apparently on the Black Diamond trail. I feel like we aren't even at the top of the T-bar and there she goes....

I'm not usually a pessimist; I'm trying like hell to find something that good beyond her attitude at present. The situation is bad from every vantage point.

Beast is probably headed to Ohio again next week. They pretty much have to make a decision about his dad in the next couple of weeks, or at least have a strong outline of a plan and timeline.

At least he made it home from his business trip this week. He was 900 miles away and flying on American Airlines.

Annus

Remember the Queen of England saying in 1992 that it had been an "annus horribilus" for her that year?

I can relate. I'm trying like hell to manage and deal, but wow there is a shitload of pain and grief around me, not to mention what's inside of me. I can't even keep track of what's going on, really, just that lots of friends have lost family members recently, lots of other friends are facing the death of family members, and lots of people have been really sick for a long time. Add to that news of teenagers being hit by cars, kids killing themselves, local educators being incredibly--CRIMINALLY--stupid.

Jenny and I have always cheered each other up by saying, "Could be worse. Could be raining." It is raining. As I said earlier today, the volcanic eruptions and earthquakes should be starting here any second. We've already got thunder, lightning, flooding, and fire going for us.

I just realized that one of our regular patrons actually talks like Bill Murray in Caddyshack.

Yes there is a connection. But I'm going to bed. You'll have to sort it all out while I sleep.

Palm Sunday

Mood: not bad
Hair: wet
Eyes: dry
Listening to: Sparky brushing his teeth upstairs

Holy cow--it's Palm Sunday! That means church today will be a little more exciting than usual: kids galore, and good hymns. I may absent myself during the passing of the peace so as not to contaminate anyone who hasn't had this particular brand of crud.

I worked four hours yesterday and then came home and went to bed. The weather is finally perking up. There are rumors of a full week of sunny days ahead of us. I hope I'm healthy enough to enjoy it, but if not at least I can open the curtains and blinds and sleep in the sun.

Weird dream this morning about the library in the town where I grew up. It has since moved a few blocks away, and the whole area has been reconfigured: new streets, different buildings, etc. In my dream the building had been torn down, the streets were as they were c. 1980, and Sparky and I were wandering. We got caught hiding in the old building, which turned out to be abandoned but not torn down. It turns out this is the computer center for the city, and it's more or less an underground parking garage with the remnants of the library signage still in place. The funniest sign? "Circulation" with another sign hanging down from it that read "School Bell Schedule" giving the impression that the bells ring at the library.

Why? Because the circulation desk area was actually the office from Sparky's middle school.

WTF? Dreams are weird.

M E H

Mood: meh
Hair: clean and meh
Eyes: meh
Listening to: Sparky playing Matrix (the videogame)--my son the Action Hero

I'm sick.

I don't like being sick, especially this kind since it means that I can't sleep without my head plugging up and my throat getting sore.

On the other hand, the return of the Beast is imminent. His flight landed about 90 minutes ago so he should be walking through the door almost any second.

Otherwise: bluuuurrrrghh

You just gotta laugh

Just call me Croaky Cat today: I have now come down with Sparky's cold.

After all, why not?

Much whinging to follow :

Mood: fairly crabby
Hair: haven't looked yet
Eyes: FUCKED. AGAIN!
Listening to: Buddy rooting around quietly, and my head pound

Yes. The eyes are back to being red and itchy. I went a couple of rounds with the staff at my eye doctor's office yesterday trying to leave him a message to call me (they just kept saying that he would want to see me). I finally did so. Still waiting (he was in surgery all day yesterday, so I don't expect to hear from him till today anyway).

I have a headache, probably tension, centered above my eyes in my forehead. I feel like I resemble Cro-Magnon Woman.

My left wrist hurts. And when I move it, the Rice Krispy dudes start doing their thing inside. I don't know what kicked it over this time, but the clicking-popping-cracking thing is newish. It matches my right knee. I think my warranty must be up.

Sparky and I went at it hammer and tongs yesterday afternoon over some stupid shit. We both are under the weather. He got 'beat up' in gym class (no bruising, though). How does a teenage boy deal with a girl his age who is one giant vat of suggestive comments? Running away doesn't help; she can run too. All his friends call her a nympho. She's annoying but it's like a house-fire: you can't NOT look.

Beast is in Arkansas...and Louisiana...and Kansas...by way of Dallas...this week. Next week, he'll be in Nola. Today is Baton Rouge--the bad-French pronunciation of which does make me smile a little at least.

I have a cataloging meeting over which to preside today. That being on my mind, I woke from a dream this morning during which I discovered that the system headquarters was in the midst of moving to lovely new digs just down the road...the road being a major thoroughfare in a generic Big-Ass City. The HQ is presently, IRL, in a basement under a mall. The only person who showed up to the meeting was PTF. No one else knew where to go so they took the next train back to work (train?? WTF?). And, by the way, the actual meeting is not at system HQ. Somehow, I have merged system HQ with the mall through which I most recently crawled, and tossed in chunks from the mission trip.

Acronyms, ahoy.

And I overslept so that I could have this dream.

All in all, I feel like baked shit on a shingle today. I wish there was a market for that--I'd be a millionnaire a million times over.

My brother-in-law, Dean, has to go back to the hospital to have still more of his leg removed...this time above the knee. Why they don't just call it and take the whole leg I don't know.

My sister, Jean, may not be in any position for the tentatively scheduled surgery to help by the time June rolls around. She now takes 3 hours to eat breakfast. To read something while standing up, she puts the papers on the floor--she's that bent over. She falls down a lot.

The mayhem around us continues unabated: car accidents, teenage angst (not Sparky), family stupidity....

Waaah waaah waaah. "My life for sale--free to a good home"

Two good things: friends with endless patience and good taste in restaurants, and an invitation to a party for an adorable little boy.

Whew!

Mood: Tiiiyyy-yerrrrd
Hair: French-braided outwards, still 98% in place after 15 hours
Eyes: I apparently don't look well, but they don't feel horrible
Listening to: Beast talking to his family...and golf (in February--WTF? Can you say "torture"??)

The meeting went fine (though of course there was drama--when is there not?), and we had no major crises with meal prep/cleanup except a broken plate and two broken coffee cups. Sparky is no longer allowed to touch anything breakable. (He also spent 20 minutes in tears...still working that out.) We ran out of spaghetti sauce, but we have about 10 lbs. of noodles left. The kids earned about $30 each for about 90 minutes of work.

I need to send an email to my family about what's going on in our lives. Trust me, you regular readers know a helluva lot more than most of my family. It's too complicated to explain to them.

Two quick things: an acquaintance from church probably died today (we got the news via prayer chain email that his wife had requested the pastor immediately), and a coworker at the library is having more tests done to ensure that whatever has been going on with her for the past several months is NOT cancer. She looks quite ill, in a worrisome way.

Oh, and the NIU thing...hit even closer to home this weekend. And that's all I'm willing to say about that.

Did I mention I'm tired? I also have a killer sinus headache, which has been around all afternoon and is fading into manageable proportions now that I FINALLY took the pill I set aside to take at 2 this afternoon. After I compose this email to my family, I will be going to bed. No memes tonight. So, up I go to turn on the heated mattress pad so the bed is all ready for me when the email has been sent.

Good night.


P.S. Also, this is funny.

Update

Dean: alert and scamming for release back home to resume the beer-and-cigarette "life plan"; we'll see if the doctors are taken in

FIL: Dialysis port likely to be inserted this week

MIL: Stage IV Lung Cancer