Return from Missioning

I'm back. (I love living in a house rather than a mobile home.)

I'm exhausted. (I love sleeping in my own bed.)

I'm nowhere near as sore as I anticipated being. (Apparently, shelving on low shelves and weeding share the same muscle set.)

I'm clean. (Using a grody school locker-room for daily 3-minute showers that are either 120-plus degrees or 50-degrees--but never both mixed together!--does not promote good hygiene.)

I'm footsore. (I probably walked 5 miles every day, and/or stood for 6 hours every day, this week.)

I'm appreciative of the weirdest, smallest things. (Privacy while showering, small mosquitoes, having just one child--and a son!--of my own, bedroom windows more than 10" off the ground, not having to shout a color every time someone burps....)

Upsetting

I grew up in Colorado, in a suburb of Denver. My parents and I went to church about 3 miles from my house, in yet another suburb. That church was and is 2.5 miles as the crow flies from Columbine High School. When I was in high school in the late 70s and early 80s, many of the other teens at my church went to school at Columbine.

So, on April 19 20, 1999, I watched with the same profound shock and horror as the rest of the country as two boys destroyed any shards of any feeling of safety we had left about our country's schools. The acrid icing on that poisonous cake was that I knew alumni, I knew the community, I knew the places the national media was talking about: Swedish Medical Center (I was a candystriper there), Clement Park (teen hangout), Ken Caryl Ranch (lots of our church members lived there), and so on.

Knowing the area, of course, didn't make the event any more comprehensible. The explanations that the media quickly began to promote didn't make a lot of sense either. And that school's architecture is forever etched in my brain as a building I don't want to be near. Ever.

In 2001, we went to visit my family (who now live elsewhere in Colorado) and stopped in Denver for a couple of days. One of those days was a Sunday, so we went back to "my" church. There were a few discrete items in the building and moments during the service where the presence of the killings loomed large, even two years later.

The next day, we went to visit all the family graves (most of my family is in two large cemeteries on different sides of the city). As we drove through the cemetery looking for my father's burial site, we slowly approached 13 crosses standing in an "island" in the roadway. My father's resting place is about 25 feet from the official memorial for the Columbine victims. I believe those crosses were wooden at that time. They have since been replaced by 8'-tall black granite crosses. (If you watch the virtual tour here, you'll see the crosses at the end, briefly.)

Aside: my father built the original mortuary at this cemetery in the mid-1960s. He was paid, at least in part, in kind: four burial plots.

ANYWAY. I'm reading the book pictured here--Dave Cullen's "Columbine." It is very detailed, easy to read...and I've been trying hard not to read it at bedtime so that it doesn't affect my dreams too much.

I am about 2/3 through the book. I may have to stop reading it. I spent part of today compulsively Googling factoids, drawings, schematics, and photos since the book itself is all text. And I came across a photo today that I never should have embiggened. I knew when I saw it small that clicking on it would be a bad idea. And I watched my hand as the index finger banged down on the left mouse button anyway. Now I can't get the image out of my head, and it only fueled my compulsion to do more research.

I know that what I'm looking for is twofold: 1) Why did Harris and Klebold do what they did? and 2) How can I be sure that my son will never, ever, be involved in something like this? I know that reading this book is not going to answer either of those questions. It's the same quandary I had in 1999 immediately after the shootings happened, and after 9/11, and all the other times when I've wanted nothing more than to go far away from the world and protect my son from Everything Bad. The panic will pass. In the meantime, I can't help but look at every passing teenager with the thought "This could be the one. Or that one could be...."

The mission trip in a week--where I'm surrounded by 60 high school kids 24/7--could be fun if I don't get over this tout de suite. Anxiety + paranoia is not a great frame of mind to be in anyway. It makes for difficulty in concentration among other things. There are no answers, and eventually I'll get back to accepting that fact.

Elijah (Rich Mullins)

[this comes from my favorite Rich Mullin's CD] The Jordan is waiting for me to cross through
My heart is aging I can tell
So Lord, I'm begging for one last favor from You
Here's my heart take it where You will

This life has shown me how we're mended and how we're torn
How it's okay to be lonely as long as you're free
Sometimes my ground was stoney
And sometimes covered up with thorns
And only You could make it what it had to be
And now that it's done
Well if they dressed me like a pauper
Or if they dined me like a prince
If they lay me with my fathers
Or if my ashes scatter on the wind
I don't care

But when I leave I want to go out like Elijah
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire
And when I look back on the stars
It'll be like a candlelight in Central Park
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye

There's people been friendly, but they'd never be your friends
Sometimes this has bent me to the ground *
Now that this is all ending
I want to hear some music once again
'Cause it's the finest thing that I have ever found

But the Jordan is waiting
Though I ain't never seen the other side
Still they say you can't take in the things you have here
So on the road to salvation
I stick out my thumb and He gives me a ride
And His music is already falling on my ears

There's people been talking
They say they're worried about my soul
Well, I'm here to tell you I'll keep rocking
'Til I'm sure it's my time to roll
. . . ________
*very disappointing when these are Church People

Not-bullets

1. Hey, it's poetry month! Hence the poems that have posted the past two days (oh, how I love post-dating!).



2. My Bloglines front page says I have "63 updated feeds" which include 367 unread posts. I also have 172 saved posts. I think this means I am officially buried.



3. I am caught up in tweets and Fb, though. Short Attention Span rules the day!



4. I am not loving Fb's 'update'. Just discovered that you can't do "less of/more of" individuals. People are either in your news feed, or not. That explains why I get RSS'd updates in Bloglines for Stephanie, Kyle, Kevin, et al., but never see 'em on Facebook; in the old incarnation they were "less of" but now they are invisible. Guess I'll create a 'group' of them so I can find them periodically. Stupid. How is this an upgrade, Fb??



5. Today I am meeting someone with whom I may be spending a great deal of time in the future, someone who may strongly influence my external happiness meter. Hope that goes well.



6. This weekend is crazy busy: local mission trip on Saturday (more on that, perhaps, later). On Sunday I'm playing in the bell choir at church which will be followed immediately by an Easter Egg hunt for the little kids. The youth group is going to hide the eggs, so as soon as worship is over, I have to go into supervision mode. Whee.



7. My mom's health is stable. That's all. I have not bought plane tickets. Not...quite...yet.



8. Found a shirt this morning in my closet I had forgotten about. It was with the summer shirts, but it's a long-sleeved T. Why, yes: I am wearing it today, as a matter of fact!



9. I'm nearly caught up in cataloging new materials at work, but suddenly feel absolutely swamped in projects. Graphic Novels, biogs, gifted videos and manga, calling STOOPUD publishers to cancel subscriptions (Dun&Bradsteet, you SUCK!) original cataloging, typos, fairy tales...the floodgates have opened.



10. Our system database manager at work needs to be punched in the face. This has nothing to do with anything else in this post. He just does. On principle.



11. Sparky has reverted to 100% teenager. Glad he's normal. Wish he'd pull his head out a little more often though.



12. The sun is out. This is a good thing, yo.

Dreams

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite songs is "I dreamed about Ray Charles last night. He could see just fine."

I didn't dream about Ray Charles last night.

I dreamed we had two new people at our next youth group meeting (which was, as dreams are sometimes, wonky in several aspects unimportant to the actual dream). That's a bonus, A-plus thing. I was excited. The new kids were a boy and a girl, the girl sitting at the table and the boy playing catch across the room. Because there are just two boys who regularly attend the meetings usually, I was even more excited to see the guy, but I sat down to talk to the girl.

Then I noticed the baby carrier at her feet.

Yeah. We didn't just gain two new youth group members, we gained three: mom, dad, and baby. I asked her if they were from around here. She said they were both students the main local high school (and married)--which explains why the other kids were ... "elsewhere" in the room watching to see my reaction before they committed to this scenario.

And I woke up.

I woke with thoughts tumbling all around: Would I do the right thing? Would the girl and the rest of the group notice my unsureness, my shock (notice that I assumed the boy wouldn't?)? Were the other leader group leader and Beast going to freak? Where did these kids come from? Why did they just suddenly turn up at youth group--not so much because of "the situation," more what was the context of two unknown people appearing? Underlying it all was the sense of "Well, here's a new challenge, God. Always looking out for those, aren't You? Thanks!"

The worst part of this is that as I'm writing this, I'm already missing these kids, these people I don't even know. I'm worrying about them, and weeping.

Pride

In our church, there are a few older couples. Of course, eh? One in particular has been in the forefront of our minds lately. The wife--I'll call her Dite--is a fireplug and a dynamo, always on the move (though considerably slower than before) and involved in lots of things, from helping out at the schools to working with the homeless to volunteering at the hospital. It was in the latter capacity that she was working a couple of weeks ago, in the gift shop, when she suddenly fainted. She's NOT a fainter, by the way. On the way down, she apparently hit her head on the counter and ended up in ICU for a couple of nights. She's being really coy about the medical stuff (typical for someone in her 80s) so no one is completely sure what the full story is, but she's been having a great deal of trouble with dizziness since then.

Another friend at church contacted us earlier this week. She had been at Dite and Bert's house and noticed that they have no stair rail on one side of the staircase in the house. She asked if Beast and a few others would get together and go take care of that. They live in a split level, so there are actually two staircases next to each other and it's the railing between them that's missing. So, if Dite lost her balance and tipped that direction, she'd actually fall down two flights.

Pretty basic fix, though. Except Bert is extraordinarily prideful. This couple has not had no garage door for at least 15 years--just plastic taped over the opening--in spite of several (and I mean dozens) of offers to fix it or help him fix it. They park outside. Dite herself has been unwilling to host gatherings in her home, and I'm beginning to guess that perhaps there are other repairs that need doing and she's embarrassed about them. It's not that Bert sits around--he's as active as she is in various things, but he's not capable physically anymore and refuses to accept help.

So three big boys, Beast included, appeared on his doorstep last night and assessed the stair rail situation. This is a life-safety issue, not an embarrassment thing, and they are G O I N G to F I X this.

I have strongly suggested Beast never to behave this way. I included a couple of other men of our church in that strong suggestion, for all the good it will do.

And the starkest contrast? They are approximately the same age as my mom, who has spun into yet another dramatic health moment.

Bulleted

Mood: sleepy
Hair: probably a mess due to the two-hour nap in the recliner
Eyes: tried, dry and not fun
Listening to: Football (Eagles @ Vikings)

Since I have few coherent, lengthy thoughts, I'm throwing what I do have at the blog. Cuz I can. Y'know?

• Beast ran the sound and light at church today, so he had to be present at both services. He called after he arrived for first service to warn us (me) that the roads were dangerously icy, especially in our subdivision. They were insanely bad, but we all made it there and back safe and sound. About half an hour ago--5 p.m. or thereabouts--the road crew came around and salted our streets for the first time today. Nice. Thanks, guys, for being right on top of that.



• Worship this morning was the first time I've been 'at church' on Sunday since...uh...Thanksgiving? And I would manage to pick today: the first week of every month is Communion Sunday, so that lengthens the service, plus today was a baptism, which means more time. I don't begrudge the time usually, but I was awfully antsy today. And then, suddenly, as the pastor held the baby and swept water onto her head, I couldn't stop crying. I didn't leave, but I really wanted to for a minute or two. Nathanael would be two now. (And no, the mom did not breastfeed in public this morning: the baby slept through the entire service.)



• None of the teams I want to see in the Super Bowl are winning this year. Our big three main teams--Packers, Browns, Broncos--are out of the running already because they didn't make the playoffs. (Denver fired Mike Shanahan--WTF?) This weekend's games were either two teams we cared nothing about or the 'wrong' team won, not that we care that much. The one that is going on now isn't boding well for the team we sort of want to win. Next week doesn't look a lot better. The Super Bowl could be a giant Who Cares? on February 1. I may end up cheering like a girl: for the best-looking team/quarterback/coach. Oh, well, thank God for the ads!!



• I haven't decided what my 2009 Word of the Year should be. That's why it hasn't been changed in the sidebar. Maybe I'll pick one tomorrow, once the holidays are really over and school has restarted. Stay tuned.



• BIG HUGE THANKS to Betsy for passing the word on Jango!!!! I frickin' LOVE it!! And it's free. Why was I spending money on Launchcast?? 'Course, now that LC is going, Jango will probably start charging too.



• Speaking of technology, Meebo--the IM consolidator I use--recently added Facebook to the IM sites it supports. MySpace, too, if anyone cares. I can now log in to Meebo and chat with anyone who is logged into Yahoo!, Gmail, or Facebook, or looking at any of my blogs. It's not perfect, but when it works, Meebo is one of my favorite things evah.



• We had Greek burgers last night, courtesy of DinnerByDesign. They were excellent. I need to start eating better, and less, and get back on a regular scheduled meal schedule instead of snacking on junk all day every day. Then there is the whole exercise thing. Ugh. I can't tell you how much I hate pointless tasks with no immediate payoff.... Apparently, there are no WiiFit games to be had, so I'm stuck with Sports for now.



• Anybody got a good lead on a job for Sparky? Yeah, this is the perfect time of year to be looking, right? And the perfect time in the economic cycle, too.



• Speaking of which, I'm already 100% ready to eliminate the word "economy" from the language. I'm tired of hearing it, saying it, discussing it, blaming it, worrying about it, prognosticating about it. It's only going to become more omnipresent, I know, so it's not a good sign that I'm so fed up with the subject.



• We were going to take the tree down today and put away all of our Christmas stuff...but changed our (my) mind when we remembered that it's still 'officially' Christmas until January 6, Warren's birthday. So I'm not sure when we'll pack it up. Sometime this week, I guess, maybe in pieces.



• Everyone gets back to our regular schedules tomorrow: it's a full work and school week for all of us. Yuck.

I think that's enough. I should probably get myself sorted out for dinner and maybe work on the Christmas card filing.

---

Urban Word:

Presponse: To respond to a question before it is finished, often confusing the asker.

The whole concept of presponses confuses Beast. He'd rather finish one thought and spoken sentence before moving on to the next thought and speaker.

Busy busy

Mood: good
Hair: blown out and that's it so far
Eyes: sleepy
Listening to: the toaster ticking

This was a big weekend, one of those when there were at least two things going on at all times, choices to make about where to be and which option to choose.

Friday was my sister Ellen's 59th birthday. That can't be right, but it is. That means I'm the age now that she was when the cancer started growing in her. Signpost.

Saturday when I got to work, I found confirmation of some big news. No: HEE-YUUUUUGE news. 2009 is going to be...interesting. And I cataloged 100 books on the same day I was at the Reference desk for nearly half my day. Not that I did the cataloging at the Ref Desk...hell no! It was just a pleasantly quiet day; no drama, no freaking out. Some of the people at MPOW can function as adults when faced with upcoming change.

Yesterday was Church Activity Day Times a Billion. It was Music Sunday at our church, and there was a Congregational Meeting to confirm the nominations for next years' slate of Elders and Deacons, and it was the last Session meeting of the year, which traditionally is when the old and new Session members and Deacons mingle and eat together. As Clerk of Session, it was a big day for those last two reasons.

However, the Clerk wasn't there. At the time of the Congregational Meeting, the Clerk (with the Chair of the Nominating Committee and ten other people) was on a train with a lot of people wearing blue and orange and heavy winter clothing. At the time of the luncheon/meeting, we were exiting a Really Fancy Church and getting ready to hit the streets. Actually, most of us pretty much stuck around here, although some braver souls ventured to neighboring shopping emporia like Borders and the Hershey Store. By 3:30 we were on the bus back to the train, where we rode with some of the same blue- and orange-dressed people we'd seen in the morning.

This is an annual tradition for our church's youth group, one which we inherited from previous leaders. It's important because they (we) get to experience a worship service that is Presbyterian but wholly different in tone from our church. Many of the kids over the years have noted that they've never 1) ridden the train, 2) taken a city bus, 3) been to the Big City to the East...before this trip. These are high school kids--that boggles my mind. By the time I was in high school I was riding the bus in Denver, and had been all over the place outside my little area of the universe. I'd even ridden a train, though it was a tourist thing, not a commuter.

In any case, Beast and I spent the afternoon in the Borders cafe after purchasing puzzle books for each of us to work on. That's the extent of the shopping I did.

It was a fun day.

Coming up this week: printing off the dreaded Xmas letter and address labels, putting up the tree, etc., wrapping the presents I have and figuring out what I still need to buy (and maybe even shopping for 'em!), sending the parent letter out about the mission trip... Yeah, the fun just never stops around here.

---

Urban Word:

Mass Merchanditis: The hazy feeling one gets after spending too much time shopping at large chain stores including but not limited to Walmart, Home Depot, and Bed, Bath and Beyond. Characterized by a headache, dry eyes, blurred vision, blank stare, sore feet.

We were fortunate yesterday not to have the opportunity to experience mass merchanditis, though there was a small outbreak of "where's the exit?!" from one group trapped in Macy's.

Hello? Is this thing on?

Mood: Tired
Hair: Meh; Friday can't come soon enough
Eyes: Dry
Listening to: Sparky remembering that the Pack plays tonight--like NOW!

I'm here. Kinda.

It's kinda just that everything is busy and yet all the same. We are in that dreaded holding pattern of running around prepping for FIL to move while trying to keep our regular lives going.

So, last night: youth group meeting. I love those, but they take time to prep, etc.

Yesterday, I went to Adult Sunday School for the first time in ages. Nice.

Saturday: shopping, but really just wandering to and fro. Lovely day, good food, FABULOUS company.

Today, I spent the day moving posts around from here to there. Yes, I'm mysterious. Sorry (not really). Also, I ran to the grocery store in the rain. And the highlight: the septic dude came and did what septic dudes do. Ick. That's done for several years, however. ;-)

Beast leaves on a business trip tomorrow. He hasn't traveled enough lately.

Tomorrow here at home: pedicure for the guinea pigs. Wednesday: dinner at church. Thursday: massage in the evening. Friday: hair appointment for me.

See what I mean? Real thrilling. Aren't you glad I checked in?

---

Urban Word:

jack in: v.
1. To gain entry; to connect, as to a network.
2. To enter or connect by deceptive or unscrupulous means, esp. with malicious intent.

I'm jacking in to another blogging platform. So far, it's good. Blogger needs to wake up on a bunch of levels.

---

P.S. My shoulder hurts a lot. I'm taking Beast's muscle relaxants. They make me really wackadoodle, and tired. And the pain thing? Don't help much, but even a little is critical.

In my head

So, randomness:

• If someone greets you for the first time at 1:00 pm by saying "Good morning" wouldn't you assume they were joking? I did. He wasn't.



• George Carlin was a genius. HBO is replaying a shitload of his 'concerts' tonight, and I think tomorrow night. In the one they are showing right now, Carlin is just a little more...special...than normal. He's either high or slightly wasted. Pretty funny--he keeps cracking himself up. And Sparky has now been introduced to the Seven Words, a couple of which he didn't (doesn't) know definitions for, and of course his father and I are laughing too hard to tell him.
  
  
• I have pretty hair for the conference. Cuz it matters that much to me (not). OK, for real? I have pretty hair for the READ posters we're busy making at work. My close-up is tomorrow. Maybe.
  
  
• Twice in the last month at family restaurants in town we have been seated next to or near tables of men with the foulest, and loudest, mouths. Now, y'all know I don't have a problem with swearing as a way of emphasizing. But...when literally every 4th or 5th word is "fuck" at 107 decibels, I dunno, it's just really annoying.
  You know who was most upset? Sparky. He could barely eat tonight.
  
  
• If someone needs help from someone else, wouldn't it behoove them to be somewhat...I dunno...humble? Respectful? As opposed to insolent, rude, and pushy? Because, y'know, if I were asking a favor, or looking for information, I think I'd want to not piss off the person to whom I was talking.
  
  
• Our Session meeting was last night. There are 12 people, plus the moderator, who are supposed to be there. We had a total of 6 including the moderator. There were 4 non-Session members of the church who came to present information. It was pretty weird; we're not really sure it was a legal meeting, or rather whether anything we decided was legal.

And now my brain is empty.

---

Urban Word:

handy: European slang for cellular telephone

When my sister lived in Germany 7 years ago, she found that there were some interesting slang terms. We never did figure out where "handy" came from, really, but it's certainly more fun than "mobile" or "cell phone."

We're home

Mood: Probably the best I've felt in months
Hair: In desperate need of professional help...or even shampoo!
Eyes: Good
Listening to: Beast snoring through the NASCAR race

I'd have written before now, but we were totally exhausted by the time we got home to stay last night and I worked all day today.

We are psyched, sunburned, and stunned from a wonderful week working with various urban ministry sites. There are some amazingly wonderful people doing some good work in Milwaukee to make life better for people who just need a leg up. Props to Raymond Rivera and Sister Clara Atwater to name just two.

Personal memory moments:

• blowing up at the site leader for arranging the smallest group to clean up the biggest post-dinner mess on the night with the least amount of clean-up time
• blowing up at two girls who were were standing precariously on a second-floor window-sill hanging up wet towels over Beast's C-pap (feet on my pillow and Bible, and pressing on the aged window glass for support...it was totally justified, but handled poorly)
• watching Sparky's eyes swell nearly shut after throwing mold around all day while cleaning out a flooded room (THANK YOU GOD for the nudge to pack a Large Bottle of Benadryl!!!)
• one of our girls' commitment to mentoring two younger girls on their faith walk
• realizing that I shouldn't EVER pay retail for a vase or coffee mug but should hit the resale shops because they have hundreds (they actually throw away coffee mugs they get so many!)
• being prayed over by a real saint
• gaining a son (by adoption)
• goofing with a fun(ny) guy who spends his day reclaiming gang-bangers of every stripe
• lying on a large flat rock baking on the beach after an hour of mid-morning walking on the edge of the water
• locking the keys in the car and crying over the situation
• being called a "day brightener" by one of the other adult leaders; apparently, our appearance at the worksite halfway through each day caused her to realize that she was going to survive. Not sure what that was about, but I do know that keeping her half of the group on-task was like herding spiders
• having sore feet EVERY DAY--hobbling for the first 10 minutes every morning, including today
• NOT having sore neck/shoulders
• watching all of our kids outshine so many others on the trip as they grew stronger in their faith and melded as a group
• growing my own faith, and learning some wonderful new songs
• so many others....

Now, I'm going to wake Beast up and tell him that if he's sleeping he should be in bed. :-)

---

Urban Word:

fake the funk: (v.) To act with a false ethos surrounding oneself in an attempt to win respect from a certain influential party.

I'm not cynical, just realistic: I wonder how many kids were faking the funk this week. Time will tell, I guess.

Upcoming quiet week here

We are about two hours away from leaving on our mission trip for this summer. We are going to a city where Beast and I used to live, and where Sparky was born. If you are so inclined, any spare prayers would be welcome.

See you on Friday. Or Saturday, depending on how long it takes us to get sorted out when we return.

For accounts from previous weeklong mission trips, go here, here, here, here, and/or here.

---

Urban Word:

iPhone-a-friend: n. The act of using a regular cell phone to get information by calling someone who is sitting at a computer and can surf the internet by proxy.

Since we will be computer-free this week, I may have to use an iPhone-a-friend with one of you to get current information.

James Joyce is my hero*

Mood: Good
Hair: A mess
Eyes: Dry and tired
Listening to: NASCAR is on the tube(sigh)

Well, we have scrounged one extra kid for the mission trip (thanks, AN!). We're still looking for two more. Things are coming together for this trip, though. I took paperwork to the mom of today's addition and we had a great chat.

Then I came home and watched a Gene Kelly movie on DVD (That's Dancing!), followed by about half of a newer version of Little House on the Prairie (Disney). I caught up my book blog (though I've just realized that I didn't enter ...Big Woods), did a bunch of Friday memes, finished and put away a load of laundry, went to the store, downloaded about 6 CDs onto my Zen (and how--HOW!--does one delete shit from one's MP3 player, eh?!), read the church newsletter while on hold waiting for the phone to be taken to my mom's room, talked to Mom (more time on hold than talking), and obsessed over the weather. Which sucked.

Sparky had a fun post-school: for the second time this school year, he got detoured after school due to tornado activity. He and his friend were walking to the library--I wasn't working today, but there is Wii, I think, today--when the tornado siren went off. So they took off running, were waved into the building and directly into the basement with the staff and the sensible people in the building. Apparently, this is an every-six-months thing this school year. Weird. The worst of the storm today hit only slightly east of when it centered last time. Not really that close to town, as it turns out.

Meanwhile...nothing but wind and sideways rain here at the house. No sirens. No warnings. Spring is weird.

Tonight, Beast finished building the shelves in the basement that goofed up his back last week. Meanwhile Sparky and I played Apples to Apples--our own made-up rules, since it's designed for at least 4 players. He beat me. That sucked. ;-)

Generally, the best part of the day was the fact that I finished the list I made today. That rarely happens. Maybe I'm getting better at making lists....

Now I'm going to bed, because I slept very poorly last night, mostly because I went to bed late and Beast had literally taken over the entire bed. This is only notable because I'm normally the one who does that sort of thing.

Tomorrow: work. Waste of time, really, since I checked the schedule before I left yesterday and I will be on desks for over half my scheduled hours. No cataloging. Again. I'm up to three carts of backlog now. Last fall I had a shelf of backlog. Oh, well. The further behind I get, the more obvious it is that Schedule Nazi is fucking me over in spades; and the more she does that in obvious ways, the longer my CYA document gets. {{shrug}} No more Ms. Nice Cat.

---

Urban Word:

Viagrate: To imbue with lasting vigor

I seem to be finding a few ways to Viagrate my life again.

---

*Stream of consciousness writing....

I dunno...

...perhaps I actually need to do something proactive about my emotions.

I'm really bummed again tonight. Overwhelmed-bummed, irritated-bummed, thence to sad-bummed. Why?

• Mission-trip stuff is freaking me (the fuck) out



• Youth group stuff in general is freaking me (the fuck) out



• Money stuff (also related to the mission trip, but household too--we're fine, just had a rough month)



• Talked to my niece today; things are not good in her marriage...and she's a prize to talk to in any event



• Beast is out of town; normally that's not a big deal, but I'm feeling so incredibly insecure right now that EVERYthing is a big deal



• I'm still terminally irritated with several people, and can't figure out how to let go of it



• Residual concern about my mom...from the conversation I had Saturday with my sister



• Got a really terse message from my boss in email today leading me to believe that I was inadvertantly involved in a fuckup on Saturday. I'm totally feeling like I can't win for losing at work lately. I don't want to BE there--still like my job, but omfg I hate the place.



• Not looking forward to a call I have to make tomorrow relating to our Memorial Day plans: Sparky won't be able to participate in the parade for very good reasons. I'd better not get flak.



• Catalog meeting Wednesday. I'm less than thrilled. I have to do an agenda tomorrow.



• Church meeting tomorrow night. I'm supposed to have a job description written for youth leader--it was due two months ago--and I haven't been to this particular meeting in awhile, and...guiltguiltguilt

Now I'm annoyed at the pity party taking shape around me.

I just wonder if every time someone in my family gets sick/gets hurt, I'm going to get to relive the inadequacies of all the previous times we've dealt with this?

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Urban Word:

dk/dc: Don't know/don't care
I wish I could really integrate into my psyche my exterior, carefree, dk/dc attitude....

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PS--On the other hand, it's pretty hard not to laugh at Dirty Jobs tonight. Mike is just not having a good time: toxic mold, dead rats, sucking turkey sperm, and god only knows what the girl turkeys have in store for him.

Confirmation

Today is Confirmation Day. Each of the mentors is supposed to spend a minute or so introducing "our" confirmand. Here's what I've written about mine:

How can I sum up [D.]? A few of you know her already, and I hope that many of you at least recognize her. [D.] began her journey with [our church] when she was in middle school by coming to [youth group], about four years ago. Over the years, she has become more involved in lots of other church-related events here.

But, this is the unusual thing: [D.] had already been confirmed at ... [the] Methodist Church before she began attending here. Normally, when joining our church anyone who has been confirmed simply transfers membership. However, [D.] really felt that she would prefer to take another run at learning about what it means to follow Christ before joining our congregation.

Getting to know [D.] has been an eye-opening experience for me. Each time we met “for an hour” we usually spent 2 or 3 hours together because we’d always end up talking about school, the future, and (shhhh!) boys.

However, her faith is solid and clear. She has accomplished spiritual growth and learning by her own choice and with her own drive: for instance, in 2007 she read the entire Bible in a year on her own. I think that shows her determination and craving for discernment and direction from God. I hasten to add that she is also a lot of fun to hang out with, and may be one of the most realistically cheerful people I know.

One thing [D.] has reiterated many times in our confirmation time together is that she doesn’t know the names of many people in our family of faith. I know that we welcome all newly adopted members just as we welcome those who grew up with us. [D.]—or “Braids” as she was called on the [mission trip] last summer—will be a joyful addition to our congregation.

I'm really proud of her. She is a delight, certainly not without her faults--she is, after all, a teenage girl--but she has helped make the past 6 months a little more bearable.

Kudos

Today has been such a godawful day that I need to redeem some of it by remembering that it's only been two days since a really awesome experience.

I received this by email on Sunday afternoon:

[Cat], [Beast] & [Redneck Guy],

WOW!!!!

What a wonderful job the kids did today leading worship.

Thanks—to a great group of young people, and to you three for providing the leadership that assists in creating such meaningful experiences.

Please pass on to the kids my appreciation and thanks.

[Vel.] [D.]

It was immediately followed by this:

Dear [Youth Group] Leaders and Members:

Your service today was incredibly moving. Thank you for the beautiful, disturbing, shocking, in our face messages. After 35 years of working to try to improve the lives of children and families, I have been despairing of late because the State and other government agencies that fund my agency and agencies like ours have been decreasing support for children's services --- to the point where I wonder sometimes if we can keep [the agency] open for business without some miracle. I pray every night and throughout every day that God will send us the resources we need to continue operating and that He will give me the strength and wisdom to know what to do to see that we can be there for children and young people like yourselves.

Your skit and your service made me hopeful – hopeful because you in [the group] appear to be on the safe track to adulthood and hopeful that your message to "Get involved/Stay involved" was heard by the members of our congregation loud and clear. It truly does take a village to raise a child and all of us need to do whatever we can to make the path to adulthood safe for our children. As you know from your research, FAR too many children in our own country lose their way and ALTOGETHER too many children in the world are in the same trouble PLUS there are children who are starving, disease ridden, threatened by war and violence, slavery and abuse all over the world. It seems like a big challenge to make a difference, but how can any of us not try?

Thank you again for this powerful message. I think you could and should take this show on the road!

With Love in Christ,
[S.] [K.]

Today, this arrived from the pastor as a tag on an email about something completely unrelated and which also went to our Presbytery's Clerk:

P.S. [Cat], the youth service Sunday was outstanding! I have heard more buzz about it than any youth service I have experienced. WELL DONE!!! [Pastor P.]

Finally, from another individual:

Dear [Youth Group]

I am writing to congratulate you and to thank you for such an awesome Youth Sunday! The skit you presented was very meaningful and, in fact, moved me to tears.

Your acting was VERY professional—you remained in character at all times and obviously put your hearts into it.

The information you presented at the end was very effective in reinforcing the message of the skit and I know it hit home with a lot of people.

Thank you so much for your hard work; this was definitely a Five Star presentation.

Sincerely,

[B.] [E.]

Mind you, all of these people have sat through decades of Youth Sundays that were moving in different ways. I will probably--at least temporarily--post a link to the video once we get it online. I just couldn't wait to post the kudos though. I couldn't be prouder of these kids, and I'm so grateful that the whole congregation got a chance to see how blessed we are to have them in our midst.

Dress Rehearsal

No school today, so we're having our final dress rehearsal for Youth Sunday at 11 this morning.

I was wigging out in a huge way on Wednesday, which was supposed to be our final rehearsal. Several of the kids were beyond goofy--so was the other leader--and I was tired, but I managed not to strangle anyone. I'm calmer today. I think we're probably good to go, really, but Wednesday was so uncoordinated that we all felt like we needed another run through.

Sparky, in his own inimitable way, managed to screw up his conferences last night by not turning in a major project on Monday. Everything was going swimmingly until we found out about that. He is fortunate to have a kind-hearted science teacher who is letting him turn it in today. He had to come to the library last night to use Publisher so he could finish it. Idiot. Really, just...dodo headed twit. So we have to run him to the high school before our rehearsal at church.

My head hurts this morning, also my neck and shoulders.

We have ridiculous birds around our house who appear to be suicidal. Either that or they are blind. They keep flying into our windows, even with the shades pulled. Apparently our windows are too clean and they are seeing their own reflections and trying to knock out the competition. Even boy birds are idiots!

Ruka is still skittish and shy. He only eats when no one is around. Or maybe he's not eating at all. Anyway. Buddy's his protector, so that's a relief. No fighting in the cage.

Beast is adorable. He's working at home today. I'm not supposed to be bothering him, but of course I can't help it.

But, see, I'm not knocking boys in general. Just the idiot boys.

Oh--the sun is shining. Yay, sun!!

Poetry Month

from “Sects from A to Z”
by R.S. Gwynn

High Anglicans (or C. of E.)
are numerous far over the sea.
They ring a small bell a lot,
Read T.S. Eliot,
And burn incense in no small degree.

The Baptists put stock in immersion
And loudly will cast the aspersion
That a ritual that stops
With a few sprinkled drops
Is merely a watered-down version.

The blue-eyed Episcopal ladies
And gentlemen look like the Bradys.
Their children are blond,
And they all are quite fond
Of the Escalade and the Mercedes.

Fundamentalists think it’s apparent
That the Bible is strictly inerrant.
When one asks, once again,
“Well, so who married Cain?”
They claim Yahweh was, singly, her parent.

A J.W. (Jehovah’s Witness)
Should never be asked in to sit. Nes-
tle in, bolt your door,
Or you’ll let in a bore
Who will point out your soul’s lack of fitness.

The Mormons once had a hegemony
In Utah, allowing polygamy.
With their bearded heads hung
The men thanked Brigham Young,
Who responded, “Yes, wasn’t that big of me?”

The Oneidans detected sin’s essence
In all symptoms of manly tumescence
So their men they unmanned,
Crying, “Take sin in hand!”–
A religiously planned obsolescence

The Quakers possess inner lighting
And refrain from all feuding and fighting;
They enter their meetings
With “Bless thee” for greetings,
But the service is hardly exciting.

The Shakers thought sexual activity
Was a wastefully sinful proclivity:
“No more sleeping in pairs!
Go make tables and chairs!
Sublimate and increase productivity!”

Unitarians pray, but they never
Say to whom, and thus claim the endeavor,
While it’s heavenward sent,
More precisely is meant
To address someone known as “Whoever.”

The number of folks who use X’s
In spelling out Christmas perplexes.
It’s truly inanity
(Just think Xianity!)–
A small matter, I know, but it vexes.

Most Zealots are eager to tell us
That their God is bad-tempered and jealous.
They go on for hours
Describing His powers
With a zeal that’s excessviely zealous.

He left out Presbyterians, but I'll give him a pass because fitting that into a limerick might be impossible.

Otherwise, this makes me giggle, mostly because I actually do write "Xianity" as shorthand.

EYEROLL!

Mood: Phlegmy
Hair: It's a mess, it's a mess
Eyes: Good
Listening to: Some XM station just this side of elevator music and slightly left of soft jazz. Beast turned it on....

I hadn't heard about this. But thank God for Gordon.

Hint 1: If you don't get what the big deal is, as the first commenter on his site didn't...uh...you are an idiot.
Hint 2: I'm a Christian. That doesn't make me a total moron...like it seems to have done to some people.
Hint 3: This post is dedicated to Molly, because whenever I see the current Pope, I remember what she calls him, based on his creepy resemblance to a certain Star Wars character.

Here's a blessing for us today:
May your own peaceful life bring greater peace to the Earth,
and within yourself foster a limitless concern for every living creature.
Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot.
Cultivate flexibility and surrender.

10:30 p.m. Update: Gord's now getting flack for being anti-Catholic. What the hell? Apparently, a lot of people don't understand satire anymore. Picture me banging my head on the wall now.

So, to clarify for those I called idiots above: the problem with this is that the world is full of people who love to find any excuse to start killing each other. This particular event is FULL of dozens of layers of symbolic meaning, many of which I hazard that Christians are wholly unaware. It's stupid on the level of opening a half-empty gasoline can 4 feet from a campfire: sure, you aren't intending to start a conflagration, but the possibility is there, no? Or, nu?

In the end, is this going to help or hinder God's work here on earth? Is this going to cause more good or more bad? As I said in comments to Gordon, I'm quite happy that this man felt called to be baptized. I just feel that the publicity and spectacle is beyond the pale. It has nothing to do with his being baptized as a Catholic vs. Protestant whatsoever. But then again, along with Gordon, I'm pretty low-church across the board anyway.

School

Went to school tonight on Honors Level and AP classes. They've changed the focus on how to sign up for them. Instead of requiring a teacher's signature (i.e. permission), anyone can sign up for them, with just a parent's request (i.e. permission).

So Sparky is signed up for Honors Chemistry, Algebra II, and English next year.

And then...then we took a friend home who mentioned that there was a math quiz tomorrow. (REALLY?) Once we arrived home, I quizzed Sparky on Chapter 8. I have nofuckingclue what to do with sines/cosines/tangents. He does. He's officially smarter than me now, in math. Ack.

Plus, all of this got me out of a Session meeting at church.

Life is pretty good, all in all.