Saturday, August 30, 2008

Things to say to ensure you won't be loved

While all of these are true-life examples, they are not all current or specific. Just a list of things I've put together over the past couple of weeks.
  • In any context, without a large smile and a beer in both people's hands--and even then sometimes--saying, "You are a huge and sucking black hole of an idiot, dude!" will lower your friend value.

  • Interrupting people is not cute unless you are 3. Neither is cutting in line.

  • Telling someone that you are too busy to talk when they are sobbing is bad. Unless someone's hair is on fire nearby.

  • Verbalizing that common thought "what is the POINT of this meeting???" in the midst of one will not endear you to people. Especially if the implication is that everyone else in the room is a moron, and you are the only sensible one there.

  • Leaving a tip at a restaurant is required, even if you are a girl. Figuring out the tip isn't that fucking hard, either.

  • Forgiving people is harder than it sounds sometimes. It can be hard not to keep score in life, sort of play the quid pro quo game; sometimes it's impossible not to notice slights, whether they are intentional or not.

  • Discussing someone else's lower standards of housekeeping, cooking, career, financial planning, gardening, fashion sense, workplace tidiness, etc. etc. should ONLY occur when the OTHER PERSON has deprecated themselves first. If you start that conversation, expect retaliation of some kind.

  • Omitting an apology when you've fucked something up, even if it's (in your opinion) no big deal, is wrong.

  • Omitting a thank you (or a response of any kind) for a time-consuming and well-done favor, or even just a kind word or a hug, is going to come back and bite your karmic ass hard.

  • No one cares as much about what you are saying as you do. No one cares as much about your dreams as you do. People bore easily, even your best-est friends. It's not pretty, but it's true.

  • Insinuating yourself into a serious conversation and then redirecting it toward some ridiculous story you've told 3 dozen times in the past half now punishable by hanging from the gallows newly constructed in the Children's Room.

  • Speaking at a meeting (a round-table, everyone-is-equal meeting, not a seminar) for more than 5 minutes straight will not engender fellowship and goodwill, nor will your case be made. Unless, of course, your case is demoralizing and frustrating people.

  • Being the one who is right all the time is not attractive in any way, shape, or form. Neither is being the one who is wrong; it's pathetic and besides, no one loves a martyr.

  • There is a reason young people don't rule the world. It's not a hidden reason. It's well-known. It's called "experience." By definition, (most) young people ain't got as much. Facts of life, baby.

  • There is a reason (many) old people are ignored. It's not a hidden reason. It's well-known. It's called "selective hearing/vision/awareness." And sometimes "hypocrisy." Facts of life, baby.

  • Whining loudly about the severe water damage to your $500,000 ugly-ass house built last year on a flood plain will not make me feel sorry for you.

  • Not many people look good in orange. I'm not sure why. That must be why it was chosen for prison garb. Hmmm...

  • Stealing from your workplace and blaming the missing money on your subordinates will cause them to call you names (like Bitch from Outer Space, Psychopathic Silicon Life Form, Budget Nazi) for the rest of their lives, even if you never get 'caught.'

  • Pandering will not buy my vote. I'm more pissed about the possibility of the first woman POTUS being a Republican than I can comprehend, or than McCain's 'deciders' might reasonably have expected.

  • Complaining about your massive debt-load to someone with three times the debt mere months after celebrating a large financial windfall ... just unforgettable bad taste.

  • Hubris is real. I fully expect three or more of the items to pop to the forefront of my life now to remind me that I live in a glass house.
That is all for tonight.
(P.S. If any of this seems to apply to my good friends in blogland, it was unintentional in the extreme. I'm not pointing fingers at you! I am, in some specific cases, talking to myself if anyone at all.)

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