Real conversation

(I couldn't make this shit up)

Post-funeral, talking to my nephew (-in-law)'s mother, who talks nearly non-stop:

ME: How are you?
HER: Tired. We've been in the car a lot the last two weeks.
ME: Yes, lots of hours on wheels lately.
HER: I wasn't sure we'd get here today. Our van...four hoses...alternator...it would have died on the way...if I hadn't thought to take it to the service station...four hoses!...picked it up Thursday...would have had to ask you for a ride...
ME: (breaking in after about 2 minutes) Wow. It's been nuts for us too, with my mom, and then [Beast]'s dad went in the hosptial Friday, and Elizabeth's...
HER: ...mmm...but yeah, all four hoses! Can you believe it? If I hadn't taken it to the garage, it would have stranded us on the highway!! Good thing I thought of it, isn't it?
ME: (short pause) I think [her son] is looking over here; maybe he needs something?
HER: ...so you would have had to drive up to our place and pick us up and then drive all the way....
ME: [walking away to see what my nephew, her son, needs]

Later, at the house, discussing the amount of work he's done to rehab the house:

MY SISTER: ...he's done so much, all the woodwork, the floors.
NEPHEW: It's called Project Creep.
SISTER: Huh?
NEPHEW: You start with one relatively simple project and suddenly it turns into a complete overhaul. All I wanted to do was replace the windows...
ME: ...and then you're tearing out walls in the basement a few years later!...
NEPHEW: ...and redoing the bathroom...
SISTER: It's always like that.
ME: Windows to woodwork to bathroom to basement...yikes!!
[we're all joking around]
SISTER: Don't forget adding a whole new room!
ME: ...for the cats...
FRIEND OF FAMILY: ...the cats own the whole house, really...
ME: Yeah, silly me. See, this is what happens when you buy a house: new hobby. And then you get married!!
[chuckles]
HIS MOM: Oh, but he did most everything before he got married.
[conversation grinds to a halt as we all stare at her]
ME, SISTER, FRIEND: Uh, yeah, we know.

Still later, saying goodbye to her son:

ME: [hugging him] Take care. Be good.
HER: [sitting next to him] Oh, he's always good!

We left. Before I smacked her upside the head with a cat toy.