from “Sects from A to Z”
by R.S. Gwynn
High Anglicans (or C. of E.)
are numerous far over the sea.
They ring a small bell a lot,
Read T.S. Eliot,
And burn incense in no small degree.
The Baptists put stock in immersion
And loudly will cast the aspersion
That a ritual that stops
With a few sprinkled drops
Is merely a watered-down version.
The blue-eyed Episcopal ladies
And gentlemen look like the Bradys.
Their children are blond,
And they all are quite fond
Of the Escalade and the Mercedes.
Fundamentalists think it’s apparent
That the Bible is strictly inerrant.
When one asks, once again,
“Well, so who married Cain?”
They claim Yahweh was, singly, her parent.
A J.W. (Jehovah’s Witness)
Should never be asked in to sit. Nes-
tle in, bolt your door,
Or you’ll let in a bore
Who will point out your soul’s lack of fitness.
The Mormons once had a hegemony
In Utah, allowing polygamy.
With their bearded heads hung
The men thanked Brigham Young,
Who responded, “Yes, wasn’t that big of me?”
The Oneidans detected sin’s essence
In all symptoms of manly tumescence
So their men they unmanned,
Crying, “Take sin in hand!”–
A religiously planned obsolescence
The Quakers possess inner lighting
And refrain from all feuding and fighting;
They enter their meetings
With “Bless thee” for greetings,
But the service is hardly exciting.
The Shakers thought sexual activity
Was a wastefully sinful proclivity:
“No more sleeping in pairs!
Go make tables and chairs!
Sublimate and increase productivity!”
Unitarians pray, but they never
Say to whom, and thus claim the endeavor,
While it’s heavenward sent,
More precisely is meant
To address someone known as “Whoever.”
The number of folks who use X’s
In spelling out Christmas perplexes.
It’s truly inanity
(Just think Xianity!)–
A small matter, I know, but it vexes.
Most Zealots are eager to tell us
That their God is bad-tempered and jealous.
They go on for hours
Describing His powers
With a zeal that’s excessviely zealous.
He left out Presbyterians, but I'll give him a pass because fitting that into a limerick might be impossible.
Otherwise, this makes me giggle, mostly because I actually do write "Xianity" as shorthand.