Too much time on my hands

"No man remains quite what he was when he recognizes himself." - - Thomas Mann

This was the quote of the day a couple of days ago. Aside from my itchy-fingered response to p.c. the quote so it applies to me... I'm struck by this.

I do think that each of us knows ourselves the best. On the other hand, I've had conversations with friends (present company not necessarily included, ok, Paranoia People?! {hee}) who have told me about a very set view of themselves that in no way corresponds to my experience with them. It's sometimes all I can do not to burst out laughing or denigrating their point of view. I frequently fail in that, actually.

It has worked in reverse, of course; someone makes a comment about how "{something} you are" to me, and I have to retreat to my hermit's pedestal and pick at it until I understand what they mean, why they think that, etc. Only then can I decide whether I think it's true. By the end of that extended view of my belly-button, I am no longer (perhaps...I hope...) the person I was.

A former boss told me that when I take hold of an idea, I tend to keep thrashing at it like a terrier. It was not meant as a compliment! That took me some time to internalize, but at this point many, many years later, I'm ok with that 'picture' of me. It meant, looking back, that I was on the right track with her, at least. What's less good is when I hang on to something unjustifiably....

Another boss told me that I see what's going on around me more clearly than most people, especially the emotional 'aura' of events. Those are not her words, mind you. That floored me; I simply do not consider myself observant at all! After thinking it over, checking other people's reactions against mine, and reliving several scenes (good, and ugly) from my past....yeah. It explains a lot about my family relationships, and my work relationships.

I make assumptions, thinking everyone noticed Betty blanch when the subject turns to spouse abuse, saw Bob's neck muscles tense when he was teased about being "a flashy dresser," knowing that these were subjects to avoid in future conversations with Betty and Bob--but not because I really "saw" it, but because of a certain change in the atmosphere of the room. It just feels wrong. Generally, it shows up much later when I find myself trying to explain why I "sort of thought" there was "something weird" going on between Betty and her husband....even though I never met him.

[Which is not to say I don't VERY VERY frequently miss subtlety--I do, bigtime.]

Knowing those things, owning them, about myself has definitely changed who I am. It's also one of those things about being 42 that's kind of neat: I can see progression (and regression, unfortunately) over time. It's the only reason I know that I have patience, for instance: I can see how totally impatient about everything I was just five years ago, and know that my reactions would be far different today.

On the other hand, I still have quite a distance to travel. It makes me long for reincarnation to be true: I'm never going to finish my self-improvements in the next 40-50 years (God willing I live that long!). If I could just come back and keep working...


Enough introspection! Sparky "needs" the laptop for Travian.