Skating commentary

For those readers outside the U.S., who aren't blessed with the commentary of Dick B-u-t-t-o-n, this will make no sense.

However, I just have to say, the man must retire! He's been driving me nuts throughout the skating events this year. OK, I have to be honest: he has driven me nuts forever. He's such a little priss.

Last night during the "ladies" long program, I finally broke. Beast and I were in hysterics. I started keeping a list of his issues:

• What drove us into gales and prompted this list was his complaint about the untied shoelaces of one skater "ruining" her "line" and, by extension, her program
• "The soufflé came unsoofled."
• "She missed the ending by a mile."
• "They graduate into a more mature body. It’s not holding up for her."
• "There was a lot more choreography in that landing than in the rest of the program."
• "…kind of fizzled off…"
• "…magnificent stroking…" [this is a favorite phrase of his]
• "There’s a big difference between the short and the long program: the time you spend on the ice."

Had we been keeping track during the whole Olympics, this list would be 10 pages long. Beast's particular memory is of the ice dancing move where the woman is doing the splits across the man's mid-section and Dick saying, "I love their body position!" Hint, Dick: it looks like [boring] p*rn on ice!

There was a point last night when he said something outrageous (before the shoelace comment) and critical (of course) about one of the not-so-great skaters. I can't remember exactly, but it was about how she didn't look appropriately 'artistic' or ladylike or something. Anyway, he made his snotty comment, there was a 5-second pause, and Sc*tt H*amilt*on said something like "that was a perfect triple lutz." You could just hear Scott rolling his eyes and glaring at Dick.

It's not just the ridiculous comments; that's just part of the job sometimes. It's his overall attitude of "skating was so much better back when I was skating." That would be 50 years ago, dude.