Kids

I really do like kids. It never occurred to me until the last four or five years that everyone doesn't love being around children, by which I mean the little guys, the ones just learning how big the world is. I love children up until about age 9, when they've really learned how to be mean to one another.

OK, so now I know that not everyone finds little kids cute.

On the other hand, the main reason I only have one kid is that children require a great deal of time and patience from the adults in their lives. Unlimited time, and unlimited patience. I don't have anywhere near the latter.

When I'm in the children's room on Wednesdays for my hour-long "tour" there is a storytime going on for 2- to 3-year-olds. They are absolutely adorable, except...

...except when one of them stands in the story room and

SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS

until her grandmother can be retrieved from the parking lot (where she went to collect their books or something, just for a second). I am not discussing I fell down and I'm hurt crying, or I'm cranky and need a nap crying.

No, I'm talking about full-blown, wake-the-dead, throat-scarring I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore crying. Shrieking. Think "Texas Chain-Saw Massacre" yelling.

When grandma returned to collect her, the little tyrant said, "I'm not having ANY FUN!!!" (picture hands on hips, major pout). If my ears hadn't been bleeding, it'd've been amusing. Half an hour later it's kind of cute. At the time? I just wanted to duct tape her to a pillar.

And if you think I'm being harsh, let me tell you that if you've never felt absolutely murderously angry in an out-of-body-experience way, there are at least three potential reasons (feel free to mix and match):

1) You're a saint. Stay the f*ck away from me.
1) You've never been the parent of a 3-year-old.
2) You need to decrease your meds.

Yes, I've been this angry at Sparky. I've also been this angry for his benefit. There have been many times when the only rational thought in my head has been "Leave. Now. Leave. Now. Don't talk. Just leave. Now."

Chainsaw screaming, even from someone else's child, sends me right back to remembering why kids are not my forte over the long haul.

It's just a good thing kids are cute. Otherwise we'd eat them all.