Friday, February 10, 2006

blah blah blah blah

I'm much calmer than I've been this week. It's Friday. I've been assured that I don't have to go to the next Merger meeting, which is mostly about circulation issues, about which I have no interest, or knowledge. That is a giant relief.

I also will not be picking up that many extra Reference hours now that we're short a librarian. Our Perpetual Sub is going to cover most of those hours, although I'll probably have to do an hour or so each day. I can manage that.

What kind of slammed into me this morning was that none of what's been going on at home or at work has been strictly awful. Some of the problem is that it's hitting all at once, much of it means lots of uncertainty about how the changes will affect me.

But also, I'm extremely upset about the way the departing librarian has been treated. There have been multiple snide remarks from multiple people, including my boss, in situations that completely piss me off. I'm upset because none of the "professional staff" did anything about a goodbye party at work; they didn't even buy him a card. Most of the long-time staff didn't show up for the afterwork party last night. If other people had left, there would have been SOMEthing, even for those on the staff we would be thrilled to see leave.

What finally hit me today is that none of that is my problem. It's all stuff that I have taken on as stuff to get worked up about. I'm upset on someone else's behalf. It's craziness.

Somehow I have to refocus on what is really important. There are enough things in the world that really do affect me. That's what I should be paying attention to. I have to stop trying to fight everyone else's battles for them, or in their place. It's especially important to stop doing that for people who either haven't asked me to fight for them, or who haven't any idea there's a battle to fight.

Which circles back to the whole attitude issue. There is absolutely nothing anyone can do for me in this mess. I have to shuffle through the mess and do the work of eliminating the dross and forging ahead. But, see, it's so much easier to be randomly pissed off about everything.

But that's absolutely NOT who I want to be. It's not really who I am now--I hope--and it doesn't make me happy to be angry all the time. And I have been angry for at least the last 2 weeks. That's a bad sign: two weeks is long enough to make it a habit.

I need a baby to hug, a dog to cuddle, a glass of wine, a full day of warm weather and sunshine, and/or a good book to read. I'm allergic to dogs, I can't have wine right now, and warm weather is more than a month away. Kidnapping a baby and scrounging a book are my best choices, I guess.

A sharp reduction in feelings of responsibility would be a boon too.

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