Homesick? Not really. ... And airplanes

I forgot to mention in the earlier post that I was introduced yesterday to a guy who lived in the Denver area for 21 years. We had a wonderful time discussing where he lived, where I lived, etc. The conversation was kind of comic because he kept saying things like "just off C-470 in Morrison" and I had to keep saying things like "when I lived there, there WAS no C-470! And Quincy isn't in Morrison."

Nice guy. Colorado clearly rubbed off on him. heh It is funny how street names and places from childhood bring back a smorgasbord of memories: Quincy, Sims, Hampden, Cinderella City, Red Rocks, drag racing, Colorado Speedway... I could tell a story about each of these... But I won't. Not right now.


What I really wanted to say here was how odd it is that I have so much airplane/airport stuff in my life. The first time I flew on an airplane, I was sixish. It was about 1970, before people did that, at least people of my socio-economic background.

I flew alone to visit my sister when I was 10. The next year I flew alone to stay for 5 weeks with another sister while my parents went overseas to visit yet another sister (how dumb was I that I chose to stay in the States!?).

I've probably flown somewhere almost every year of my life, except for those first six. I love flying, not as much as I was young and clueless, before I undersood hijacking and terrorism, but still a lot.

My brother worked at two different airports in their Air Rescue Fire Fighting units (that's what ARFF stands for at the airport...nothin' much to do with dogs). He sells fire trucks now, but through him I did get to see a lot of 'behind the scenes' things at airports that I wouldn't normally have seen.

We live near a small airport now. One of these days I'm going to screw up my courage and ask one of the pilots for a flight over our house. I've always wanted to take flying lessons.

And now I know at least two pilots. Neither of them sent me the following, but it's funny anyway. Happy flying to all those business- and other travelers.

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" {this should make all those who don't fly much feel right comfy}

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" {if my brother were a pilot, this would be him}

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff." {and this could be me if I ever tried to fly}

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!" {minus the accent, this would be my dad}

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." {this also sounds like my brother--he's not a big fan of pillots...}

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land." {hi again, Dad}

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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Does anyone else watch the show on the Travel Channel called Airport? It is absolutely a riot. There's a British version and now we've just found an American version, the first of which had a guy scamming the airline employee by saying he was a wounded Iraq vet. When she called his family to check something else, he turned out to be a wounded, fell-off-the-roof-of-his-house idjit.