Ouch

Acceptance is such an important commodity, some have called it "the first law of personal growth.

Peter McWilliams
All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated act without the benefit of experience.

Henry James

I'm not enjoying life very much lately. I should be: the weather is lovely and by almost all external measures I've got nothing to complain about. However, I'm incredibly frustrated in just about every arena I inhabit. Where I'm not frustrated I'm flat-out angry. Sometimes, for variety, I vacillate between those two feelings.

I've moaned about work so much that I won't dwell on it in this post. Suffice to say we're tremendously understaffed and I don't see a lot of change coming down the pike. The director did just figure out a solution to the lack of a full-time librarian: she bit the bullet and promoted the part-timer to full-time (which he asked about doing two months ago). So now we're 'only' short about 16-20 hours a week instead of 40. That will help. But only help, since everyone's attitude is in the dumper about a million and one things. Or maybe that's just me?

Home is actually pretty good, although I continue to worry about Beast's back. He spent a couple of hours manhandling the last set of doors into place last night, to no avail. The door frame is warped. Hanging doors in a warped frame...well...doesn't work. That was frustrating to watch, and listen to! However, there are a bunch of little projects I should be working on. I did unload two boxes of books Friday. And I found my teenage-years journals, the ones I kept from about age 11 through age 21. I started typing them into the computer (the oldest are quite hard to read), and got through the first 3 before I stopped and just read all of them straight through. I wanted to read the inserted stuff in order (and try to remember what the pressed flowers were about).

I finished reading the last journal yesterday afternoon (they aren't that long--I was much less religious about keeping a written journal than I am about blogging). Paradigm shift. I'd forgotten a lot about college. -- STOP READING, BEAST!! ;-) -- Most of the commentaries revolve around boys. Boys, boys, boys, boys. What a self-centered, obnoxious twit I was. I think I'll pack those books right back up and bury them at the bottom of a pile of other crap, to be read in about 20 more years. Maybe I'll be more forgiving of myself by then.

So that was annoying. Let's see: I haven't spoken with my neighbor/co-youth-leader since Thursday when I ripped her a new a--hole over the phone. That needs to be resolved. And I don't know how to do it. But this driving past her house avoiding looking at the yard in case she's out....that has to stop.

Yesterday our next-door neighbor's 2-year-old was ambulanced to the hospital after his asthma kicked in and he stopped breathing. He seems to be fine now, but that wiped some of the joy out of the day. It's hard to erase the picture of a paramedic rushing out the house carrying a little body, with his ear next to the baby's mouth.

Talked to my mom twice last week. She sounds good. Talked to Marie for an hour yesterday. Why am I always so amazed about how nice it is to talk to her? She had some news about our other sister who had just been there visiting from England. Jean has Parkinson's. She was diagnosed about 8 years ago. She has the variety of PD that slowly paralyzes your muscles, not the shaking kind. Marie says Jean is now bent nearly in half; her face is almost even with her plate at the dinner table. Her internal muscles are starting to harden up. She had a brain-scan last week to see if there is any kind of brain-surgery that can be done. The doctors are a little surprised at how fast this is happening to her. Her husband just turned 63, so he can take early retirement with no penalties now. He is her primary--only--caregiver.

The whole fucking situation sucks. She was The Cool Sister. Now she's rapidly becoming a human train-wreck.

The song on the radio right now is called "Run Away" (Live). That's exactly what I want to do.

I'm seriously considering, again, quitting my church. At this point, I've talked myself down to quitting everything but being Clerk of Session. I don't care if I ever deal with anything else in that building (not as shocking as all that--we're about to break ground on a new one, sometime this spring/summer). Frankly, once my term is done and the new building is up, I may just walk away. I've had it up to my eyebrows with everything there.

And now I'm hearing "Daft Punk is Playing at My House" (LCD Soundsystem). Also very accurate.

I will try to post something cheery at some point this week. The highlight of the week? A cataloging meeting tomorrow. How sad is that?? I'll get to Amy and Artcat and G, so that's a plus. And there will, no doubt, be lots of giggles over PTF and The Woman Who Couldn't Find Her Ass in the Dark With a Flashlight.

Off to take pictures and buy groceries. Don't you envy my life?