Ruminations

Weather: 25 degrees (feels like 16); fair sky. The sun is shining into the office window making me squint. Which is good, if quite annoying.
Mood: good; productive
Listening to: U2, How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
Where am I? At home

"Vertigo"
Aside: U2 tickets go on sale tomorrow morning. I may actually go to a concert this year, my once-every-five-years concert.
The guitar riff in this song is fun. It's pretty light, and that's the point. I think. Probably could clean the house effectively to a whole CD that sounded like this.
See how practical I've become.
But anyway...

"Miracle Drug"
I have candles lit.
I have updated all the blogs, including finally changing the Mermaid's link. Slow but sure. Still trying to work out the sidebar issue. But as usual, catching things up cheers me up.

Next up, vacuuming the living room, making the bed (yes, it's after 12, but I hate getting into an unmade bed), and clearing my desk and the kitchen counters. The latter two chores are never-ending. I need a maid, just for those two things!

"Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own" (I love this song--it's about me and my mom, even though of course it's not)
The box I sent to myself last week arrived a couple of days ago. I'm trying to decide whether I want to open it. It feels strangely Pandora-scary, as if something ill-fated could come flying out when I open it. Of course, it's 'only' books, and I packed them myself. Still, I don't want to ruin my mood. Maybe I'll do it tonight, when I have physical and emotional backup in the house.

"Love and Peace or Else"
At some point this afternoon, I need to get into town and drop off a couple resignation letters. I got a nice card from the one man in the debacle group with a general buck-up message. He calls himself a Redneck, but his not-so-secret is that he's a truly sweet, kind, thoughtful man. He also has three daughters, so he seems to 'get' the whole Emotionally-Whacked Women thing better than a lot of men.

"City of Blinding Lights"
The opening lines of this song are:

The more you see the less you know
The less you find out as you go
I knew much more then than I do now

And the closing lines are:

The more you know the less you feel
Some pray for, others steal
Blessings not just for the ones who kneel
Luckily

So there you go.

"All Because of You"
Quite often, as I look back across the last 25 years, I wonder what would have happened if I'd listened to Mom about choosing colleges.
...if I'd chosen different friends in high school.
...if I hadn't majored in 'stupid' things.
...if I'd had a stronger sense of self at my first job.
...if I'd firmly turned down the job I was pressured to take at the library where I work now.

Who would I be? Would I still be me?

Yes, I think I would. But in much different circumstances.

"Man and a Woman" (Oy. I am the little sister.)
For instance, I wouldn't have met The Beast if I'd gone to a different college. I'd never have been 'desperate' enough to go to library school if I'd gotten a 'real' BA/BS. I'd never have learned the depth of betrayal possible in a job if I'd left that first job.

But I still think I'd have my core self.

"Crumbs from Your Table" (heh--"...even the dogs under the table are given some crumbs from the children's plates.")
Which led me off on a mad Google search...that took the whole song because I couldn't find what I was looking for. Ironically enough.

"One Step Closer"
"Original of the Species"
My sister, Ellen, used to tell me that her favorite age was the middle school age. She taught 7th- through 9th-grades before she had kids of her own--this was in the days when women teachers generally quit working when they had children. I think I was about 14 the first time she said this. I thought she was nuts.

I thought she was nuts for 25 years.

Now I know she may have been on to something. Sparky is turning into a complete joy, in a way he never was to me when he was younger. I no longer feel the need to hover, and I'm MUCH less resentful of any time he requires of me, mostly because he doesn't need me as much. Which sounds sad, but I'm so grateful for that for a myriad of reasons.

He cracks me up. He makes me proud. He forces me to stretch my comfort-zone. He reminds me that there are pieces of the future and the past in each person.

"Yahweh"

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don't make a fist
Take this mouth
So quick to criticise
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss

Isn't it funny how we see kids becoming real people, but we never really wonder--or sometimes they force us to ask--why we aren't still becoming real? Anyway. Sparky's a lot of fun, but I'm glad he's the only one in the house!

"Fast Cars"

Don't you worry about your mind
You should worry the day your pain goes away

Indeed.

Enough. There are chores to do.